This Again?

I just had the most awful conversation (via AIM…ick) with the Ex (shocking). I know I need to cut him out of my life, at least for a while. Whenever I start thinking that I am getting to a point where I actually am fine, he finds a way to make me feel bad/upset/angry and I’m right back where I started. But I can’t cut him out yet. It’s pathetic and weak, but I just can’t.

Tonight he confirmed suspicions that I had had for some months now. And it made me want to throw up (this new alcohol-preventing medication is NOT helping). This whole situation is SO infuriating and disgusting. Maybe I will discuss it at some point, but right now, I don’t have the words.

Then, of course, he reminded me that I dumped him. Um, what? I thought we had a mutual break-up? Apparently not. I dumped him and didn’t even realize it. Because all the pain and bitterness he is feeling clearly has to be my fault. I took away all of his future aspirations, took away his desire for a settled-down life, etc. None of that has anything to do with anything he did. At all.

Except the last time I checked, it takes two people to have a relationship. And once again, I am reminded of the fact that he cannot take responsibility for his actions (or he just not self-aware and doesn’t even realize what happened to us), and he will continue to blame me for everything. Forever.

Granted, I was not perfect in this relationship. But at least I am aware of what I have done wrong and I have apologized for what I felt bad about.

I can’t even finish everything I was going to say. I’m too nauseous/sad/distraught/angry/exhausted to go on.

Things Fall Apart

All of a sudden I feel like my life is something of a mess. Again.

For starters, I had another interview yesterday and I’m not at all sure how it went. The interviewer said that they were talking to a lot of people for the position and they would only call back two for a second interview, but that he would be in touch either way. Great. That sounds wonderful. Basically I am competing against a LOT of (probably more qualified) people for a position at a VERY fancy school downtown. It seems like a nice place and I know a lot of people there, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

The other job has not gotten back to me, so I can imagine what that means. The problem is that my summer job starts next week and I don’t know when I will be able to interview for other positions. And with my current health situation, I really need to have health insurance. So I’m basically in freak-out panic mode. Which makes me cranky. And fight with my whole family for no reason. And then I feel bad and get crankier. It’s really a vicious cycle.

Hopefully I will not be job-less and living in my parent’s apartment until I am 27. Because I would probably lose my mind.

In other news, I drunkenly made out with a stranger this weekend at a bar. Because I’m classy like that. It should be noted that it was my last night of drinking for nine months. Because I’m pregnant. JUST KIDDING. Not funny. My health situation requires me to take medication for nine months which=no alcohol. Good for my wallet, not so much for my social life. Anyway, Friday night I had a sort of last hurrah of partying at my friends’ joint birthday get together. And got plastered. And made out with a sketchy guy who I will never see again. Although we did exchange numbers and he lives in my neighborhood. It was really strange to be with someone else. I haven’t kissed anyone besides the Ex in 2.5 years. I forgot what it was like to be with someone else. It was kind of nice (minus the sketchiness) and I didn’t feel guilty or start bawling in the middle. So I guess this is progress.

Baby steps, right?

Yeah, That Was Hard

So I saw him. I don’t regret it, it was nice to see him, but it was difficult. I started out okay, but it was awkward not touching him. Walking down the streets of the city on a gorgeous summer day, it felt strange to not be able to hold his hand. When we did accidentally touch, we apologized and look away. Something that used to feel so natural and comforting was no longer appropriate. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and he would hold my hand, just for an instant, and then apologize. Or kiss my cheek. Or put his arm around me. But all with apologies.

It didn’t get really difficult until I was sitting by myself, waiting for him to finish a meeting. I realized how comforting it was to be with him, even under these uncomfortable circumstances. His presence is soothing. I haven’t seen him in almost a month, the longest that we have ever gone without seeing each other. I can still talk to him so easily, about anything, and he understands. He gets me. And I could see from the way that he looks at me just how much he still loves me. You know, that look.

And that is why I (mostly) didn’t return his touches and I didn’t kiss him when he dropped me off at my building, even though we both wanted to. It would be too painful for both of us, but especially him. And I don’t want to hurt him. I told him that he should come back sometime, but he said that it was so hard to be here without being together with me, which, of course, is true.

But now I don’t know when/if I will see him again. And that sucks. And for the first time since I came home from graduation, I can’t stop crying. I knew this was going to happen. But I love him and I couldn’t not see him while he was here. And I don’t regret it. It was good seeing him and I needed to feel what I’m feeling. Even if it is so hard.

Because as much as I love him and care about him, I know that we can’t make it work. And we shouldn’t have to. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as ours was, even though we had (have) a great connection and a really deep love for each other. The sad thing is, I don’t even think we can be just friends. We never were just friends and I think there will always be these feelings there on some level.

Letting him go knowing that we both feel this way is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

Waiting by the Phone

Not what you think. I haven’t been meeting all these guys that I am waiting for to call me. No dates lined up or crushes that I am hoping will ask me out.

No my friends. I am job hunting.

So the job that I wanted was supposed to call me on Monday. Of course, they did not. Tuesday rolls around, still no call. It should be noted that I spent these whole two days waiting anxiously by the phone. Every time the phone would ring I would jump up, my heart would stop beating for a full second, my hands would rush over to my pink cell phone, check the caller ID and then my heart would sink again. Just my mom. Or my friend who I had left a voicemail for. All perfectly good phone calls, but not the ones I wanted. This process repeated several times a day.

By Wednesday, I was sick of this whole thing. I wanted to know what was going on. Even if it was bad news, I needed to know. The whole unknown thing was not working for me. I hate not knowing things. Especially when it is something as important as my first post-college job! So I called them. And I am happy I did. I feel much much better now. And my heart can relax a little bit.

Basically, they are still looking for an assistant teacher. They liked me and all, but they wish that I had more experience (they’ve known this all along so that kind of pissed me off). They haven’t completely dropped me out of consideration because it seems like they are having trouble finding people, but they would like to find someone who is more experienced. Basically, if they can’t find someone better, they will settle for me. While I would normally not settle for being settled for, I don’t have any other interviews lined up despite sending my resume to 29488392 schools (or so it seems).

The one thing that this school did say is that they would like to see me in a teacher’s aide position for this first year to gain experience and then move up to assistant the next year. Which I would totally do (who am I to turn down jobs at this point?) except that it is part-time, pays practically nothing, and has NO BENEFITS. I don’t care about most benefits as a 22 year old living at home, but health insurance? Kind of important. Especially given my recent health discovery that will force me to make a LOT of doctor visits over the next year. So yeah, kind of a problem.

So basically they will take me as an assistant if they can’t get anyone better or they will give me a job with no benefits. Or I can keep sending my resume into the black hole of the internet where I never get any responses (although honestly, I can’t think of any other schools to apply to). So what should I do?

In other news, the Ex is coming to the city today. We will hang out at some point. Probably a bad idea, especially because last night he told me that he still loves me and misses my smile. So I will likely regret this later, but right now, I don’t care. I know that I am not taking him back and I know that nothing will happen. So whatever.

A Few Random Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and not a whole lot of brain energy to organize it all. So here is what is going on in my life, in bullet form:

• I got contacts! After a very long trip to the eye doctor on Friday I officially have contacts (and new fancy glasses). My vision isn’t actually THAT bad, but I have trouble seeing far away, particularly street signs which makes me get lost more often than I should considering I am a native New Yorker and all. I didn’t notice much of a difference in the office because nothing was that far away, but when I went outside, I could suddenly SEE everything clearly. It was like seeing everything for the first time. Granted, I could just wear my glasses outside, but I forget them a lot and they just generally annoy me (even though I am told that I look older and more mature with them). I’m having some trouble getting used to them, but so far, TOTALLY worth it.
• On Friday, my mom convinced me to call the people at the job I want. They had said that they were going to make a decision last week, and here it was Friday and I still hadn’t heard from them. Of course, I took this to mean that I didn’t get the job and so I moped and was just generally upset. My mother, however, managed to convince me that at least if I called them I would have some peace of mind because I would get some information either way. She gets on my nerves a lot, but sometimes that lady knows what she is talking about. I called them and they said that they had DEFINITELY NOT made a decision yet (!!!) and that they would call me on Monday. While it may still turn out that I won’t get the job, at least I know that I have not been completely cut so far and I do stand a chance. Fingers crossed that I get some good news tomorrow!
• Yesterday was my first day of camp orientation (did I mention that I am going to be a camp counselor this summer? Even though I did that all through high school? And haven’t done it in about 3 summers? Yeah, I’m cool). Anyway, I need the money and it seems like it will be fun. It’s at a different camp (a much fancier, more expensive camp=more tips for me?), which is weird because I have been at the same place for so long, and now I am in a completely different environment where they do things completely differently and I don’t know anyone. Um, except that my kindergarten teacher and her daughter work there…random much? I couldn’t believe that she recognized me. It will be an interesting summer to say the least.
• Today is Fathers’ Day and after a lovely breakfast at the sketchy diner that we go to, my dad and sister and I decided to go for a bike ride on the bike paths in Riverside Park. It all started out nice until it decided to POUR and we got completely soaked and water got stuck in my eye, messing up the new contact situation, and we ended up dirty and wet. But we actually had a lot of fun. Of course by the time we got home, the sky was blue and it was sunny, so people were giving us funny looks.
• I haven’t had any contact with the Ex in days. I want to so badly, but he gets upset when I talk to him at this point and I know it just makes it harder for him. It’s actually easier for me to not talk to him either, but let’s face it, I miss him. And the thought of him coming to the city and not calling me like he said he would is killing me. He could be here now for all I know, and I would have no idea. But I am proud of myself for not giving in and staying (fairly) strong. Even if on the inside I am still kind of a mess.

Sadness

I miss him.

That is all.

Girl’s Night

I really needed this. Tonight I went out with my friend Audrey. We went to a classic Upper West Side bar which was fun and very desperately needed. I was hoping to maybe flirt with some cute guys (let’s face it, I need some male attention), but she is taken so we just hung out, which was nice as well. I got a tad too drunk, but I’m going through a tough time, so clearly, it’s acceptable. Plus we went during happy hour, so the whole bar was half off (!!!).

We also went to see our friend Emily’s new apartment which was really nice. I’m jealous. I’m craving some independence.

This point didn’t really have a point except to say that I am nicely tipsy and I enjoyed some much needed girl time.

Also, I have gone 2 days without communicating with the Ex at all. It’s rough.

Hot Child in the City

Today was hot hot hot. The kind of hot where everyone is sweaty, sticky, and gross. The city radiates heat and the subway makes you melt.

So of course, Alex and I decided that today would be the perfect day to sit outside in the sun. So we went to Zabar’s to get some sandwiches and went to Riverside Park for a picnic (in the shade). I had an excuse to wear my cute new tube top and get a little sun. I usually don’t do well in the heat at all, but the park had a nice breeze and the shade wasn’t too bad.

After a while, we had had enough and decided to take a break from the heat and go to the movies. When we were standing on the corner figuring out what we wanted to see, a man walked by me and said “you really need a tan.” Uh, thanks. I know I am ridiculously white, but you don’t need to point it out. And yeah, I wear a high SPF when I go outside. So sue me. Jerk.

Anyway, we ended up seeing “Don’t Mess With the Zohan.” And well, I can only describe in in three words. Waste of time. Luckily I had a gift card, so we didn’t actually pay for it. There were a few funny moments, but overall, stupid, ridiculous and way way way too long.

But overall we had a nice afternoon. Now I just have to brace myself for this week when I find out if I got the job or not.

Whoa. Where did that come from?

You know how I was feeling all good and happy with my life? That was fun. Now I want to curl up and cry for a while.

I had my final interview today for the job I wanted. I was told that I would be meeting the head teacher that I would potentially be working under to see how we got along and so that we could “finish up the process.” So I assumed that it would be fairly informal and intended to make sure that we were compatible. So imagine my surprise when I find myself being grilled for an hour.

The thing is, I’m not great under pressure. I’m just not. I like to plan things out and I am definitely not spontaneous. I don’t like surprises. Basically, I was not prepared for an interrogation so I don’t think I performed all that well. She asked me situational questions that I don’t have the education or experience to answer effectively (she is aware of this) as well as psychological questions that just made me nervous. I wasn’t sure what she was looking for so I didn’t know how to answer her questions. So I told the truth. I figured that I might as well be honest in my answers, even if it costs me the job.

She was very nice, she just made me nervous. And this whole time, I have felt so comfortable in that school and I never had any reason to feel nervous. Which is why I was so caught off-guard…it was not at all what I was expecting. The one good thing that she said was that she likes to “grow teachers” and mentor them, meaning that she is not completely put off by my lack of experience. But I couldn’t read her at all and I have no idea what she thought of me.

When I left, the head teacher and the director were going to discuss what they thought of me and “make some big decisions.” Great. That’s not intimidating at all. I don’t even know how many people I am competing against. But apparently I will have an answer next week. Every time I have left an interview there, I have felt great, like this was something that was actually going to happen for me. I felt confident and encouraged. But today? I feel nervous, under-qualified, and uncertain. And that sucks. A lot.

And to top it all off? The ex sent me a text message that made me really upset. Apparently, as much as I had trust issues with him, he doesn’t trust me either (even though I have NEVER given him any reason not to). And he wants to talk about it later. Great. The universe is really playing some games with my mind these days.

It’s Finally Hitting Me

My walls are coming down. For the past almost-two weeks, I have been living in a sort of la-la land where I was fine. No, really. Fine. Yes, I am no longer with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but it’s the best for the both of us, it was a mutual decision, it’s the right thing to do. I’m fine.

Until last night. When I was going to sleep, I looked to my right, where I would normally see him sleeping soundly or find him looking back at me. And he wasn’t there. And then I cried, really cried, for the first time since I came home from school. I miss him, I really do. And I’m not fine. I may be doing pretty well, as in I’m not staying in bed all day watching romantic comedies and throwing things at the TV (ala Legally Blonde), and I have been doing things that I need to do, like interviewing and getting jobs, but I did not magically get over the first love of my life simply because I am home and removed from the situation.

This morning, something made me go on Myspace, which I never do. I’m more of a facebook kind of girl. But I logged on and saw that he changed his relationship status to “single.” On facebook, we both have changed it to make it blank. But on Myspace, he is officially single. Which, of course, he is, as am I. But seeing the word there in print. Single. It made it all so real. He could hook up with some sketchy Myspace skanks if he wanted to. He probably won’t, because he is even more of a mess than I am, but he could if that was what he wanted.

He was my boyfriend for two and a half years. And now he has no obligation to me at all. He’s not mine anymore, and I’m no longer “his girl.” The weight of that realization is crushing me, just a little. Even though I know it’s for the best and it’s the right thing to do. It still hurts, and I’m not fine.