Whoa. Where did that come from?

You know how I was feeling all good and happy with my life? That was fun. Now I want to curl up and cry for a while.

I had my final interview today for the job I wanted. I was told that I would be meeting the head teacher that I would potentially be working under to see how we got along and so that we could “finish up the process.” So I assumed that it would be fairly informal and intended to make sure that we were compatible. So imagine my surprise when I find myself being grilled for an hour.

The thing is, I’m not great under pressure. I’m just not. I like to plan things out and I am definitely not spontaneous. I don’t like surprises. Basically, I was not prepared for an interrogation so I don’t think I performed all that well. She asked me situational questions that I don’t have the education or experience to answer effectively (she is aware of this) as well as psychological questions that just made me nervous. I wasn’t sure what she was looking for so I didn’t know how to answer her questions. So I told the truth. I figured that I might as well be honest in my answers, even if it costs me the job.

She was very nice, she just made me nervous. And this whole time, I have felt so comfortable in that school and I never had any reason to feel nervous. Which is why I was so caught off-guard…it was not at all what I was expecting. The one good thing that she said was that she likes to “grow teachers” and mentor them, meaning that she is not completely put off by my lack of experience. But I couldn’t read her at all and I have no idea what she thought of me.

When I left, the head teacher and the director were going to discuss what they thought of me and “make some big decisions.” Great. That’s not intimidating at all. I don’t even know how many people I am competing against. But apparently I will have an answer next week. Every time I have left an interview there, I have felt great, like this was something that was actually going to happen for me. I felt confident and encouraged. But today? I feel nervous, under-qualified, and uncertain. And that sucks. A lot.

And to top it all off? The ex sent me a text message that made me really upset. Apparently, as much as I had trust issues with him, he doesn’t trust me either (even though I have NEVER given him any reason not to). And he wants to talk about it later. Great. The universe is really playing some games with my mind these days.

It’s Finally Hitting Me

My walls are coming down. For the past almost-two weeks, I have been living in a sort of la-la land where I was fine. No, really. Fine. Yes, I am no longer with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but it’s the best for the both of us, it was a mutual decision, it’s the right thing to do. I’m fine.

Until last night. When I was going to sleep, I looked to my right, where I would normally see him sleeping soundly or find him looking back at me. And he wasn’t there. And then I cried, really cried, for the first time since I came home from school. I miss him, I really do. And I’m not fine. I may be doing pretty well, as in I’m not staying in bed all day watching romantic comedies and throwing things at the TV (ala Legally Blonde), and I have been doing things that I need to do, like interviewing and getting jobs, but I did not magically get over the first love of my life simply because I am home and removed from the situation.

This morning, something made me go on Myspace, which I never do. I’m more of a facebook kind of girl. But I logged on and saw that he changed his relationship status to “single.” On facebook, we both have changed it to make it blank. But on Myspace, he is officially single. Which, of course, he is, as am I. But seeing the word there in print. Single. It made it all so real. He could hook up with some sketchy Myspace skanks if he wanted to. He probably won’t, because he is even more of a mess than I am, but he could if that was what he wanted.

He was my boyfriend for two and a half years. And now he has no obligation to me at all. He’s not mine anymore, and I’m no longer “his girl.” The weight of that realization is crushing me, just a little. Even though I know it’s for the best and it’s the right thing to do. It still hurts, and I’m not fine.