Yeah, That Was Hard

So I saw him. I don’t regret it, it was nice to see him, but it was difficult. I started out okay, but it was awkward not touching him. Walking down the streets of the city on a gorgeous summer day, it felt strange to not be able to hold his hand. When we did accidentally touch, we apologized and look away. Something that used to feel so natural and comforting was no longer appropriate. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and he would hold my hand, just for an instant, and then apologize. Or kiss my cheek. Or put his arm around me. But all with apologies.

It didn’t get really difficult until I was sitting by myself, waiting for him to finish a meeting. I realized how comforting it was to be with him, even under these uncomfortable circumstances. His presence is soothing. I haven’t seen him in almost a month, the longest that we have ever gone without seeing each other. I can still talk to him so easily, about anything, and he understands. He gets me. And I could see from the way that he looks at me just how much he still loves me. You know, that look.

And that is why I (mostly) didn’t return his touches and I didn’t kiss him when he dropped me off at my building, even though we both wanted to. It would be too painful for both of us, but especially him. And I don’t want to hurt him. I told him that he should come back sometime, but he said that it was so hard to be here without being together with me, which, of course, is true.

But now I don’t know when/if I will see him again. And that sucks. And for the first time since I came home from graduation, I can’t stop crying. I knew this was going to happen. But I love him and I couldn’t not see him while he was here. And I don’t regret it. It was good seeing him and I needed to feel what I’m feeling. Even if it is so hard.

Because as much as I love him and care about him, I know that we can’t make it work. And we shouldn’t have to. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as ours was, even though we had (have) a great connection and a really deep love for each other. The sad thing is, I don’t even think we can be just friends. We never were just friends and I think there will always be these feelings there on some level.

Letting him go knowing that we both feel this way is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

Waiting by the Phone

Not what you think. I haven’t been meeting all these guys that I am waiting for to call me. No dates lined up or crushes that I am hoping will ask me out.

No my friends. I am job hunting.

So the job that I wanted was supposed to call me on Monday. Of course, they did not. Tuesday rolls around, still no call. It should be noted that I spent these whole two days waiting anxiously by the phone. Every time the phone would ring I would jump up, my heart would stop beating for a full second, my hands would rush over to my pink cell phone, check the caller ID and then my heart would sink again. Just my mom. Or my friend who I had left a voicemail for. All perfectly good phone calls, but not the ones I wanted. This process repeated several times a day.

By Wednesday, I was sick of this whole thing. I wanted to know what was going on. Even if it was bad news, I needed to know. The whole unknown thing was not working for me. I hate not knowing things. Especially when it is something as important as my first post-college job! So I called them. And I am happy I did. I feel much much better now. And my heart can relax a little bit.

Basically, they are still looking for an assistant teacher. They liked me and all, but they wish that I had more experience (they’ve known this all along so that kind of pissed me off). They haven’t completely dropped me out of consideration because it seems like they are having trouble finding people, but they would like to find someone who is more experienced. Basically, if they can’t find someone better, they will settle for me. While I would normally not settle for being settled for, I don’t have any other interviews lined up despite sending my resume to 29488392 schools (or so it seems).

The one thing that this school did say is that they would like to see me in a teacher’s aide position for this first year to gain experience and then move up to assistant the next year. Which I would totally do (who am I to turn down jobs at this point?) except that it is part-time, pays practically nothing, and has NO BENEFITS. I don’t care about most benefits as a 22 year old living at home, but health insurance? Kind of important. Especially given my recent health discovery that will force me to make a LOT of doctor visits over the next year. So yeah, kind of a problem.

So basically they will take me as an assistant if they can’t get anyone better or they will give me a job with no benefits. Or I can keep sending my resume into the black hole of the internet where I never get any responses (although honestly, I can’t think of any other schools to apply to). So what should I do?

In other news, the Ex is coming to the city today. We will hang out at some point. Probably a bad idea, especially because last night he told me that he still loves me and misses my smile. So I will likely regret this later, but right now, I don’t care. I know that I am not taking him back and I know that nothing will happen. So whatever.