So I saw him. I don’t regret it, it was nice to see him, but it was difficult. I started out okay, but it was awkward not touching him. Walking down the streets of the city on a gorgeous summer day, it felt strange to not be able to hold his hand. When we did accidentally touch, we apologized and look away. Something that used to feel so natural and comforting was no longer appropriate. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and he would hold my hand, just for an instant, and then apologize. Or kiss my cheek. Or put his arm around me. But all with apologies.
It didn’t get really difficult until I was sitting by myself, waiting for him to finish a meeting. I realized how comforting it was to be with him, even under these uncomfortable circumstances. His presence is soothing. I haven’t seen him in almost a month, the longest that we have ever gone without seeing each other. I can still talk to him so easily, about anything, and he understands. He gets me. And I could see from the way that he looks at me just how much he still loves me. You know, that look.
And that is why I (mostly) didn’t return his touches and I didn’t kiss him when he dropped me off at my building, even though we both wanted to. It would be too painful for both of us, but especially him. And I don’t want to hurt him. I told him that he should come back sometime, but he said that it was so hard to be here without being together with me, which, of course, is true.
But now I don’t know when/if I will see him again. And that sucks. And for the first time since I came home from graduation, I can’t stop crying. I knew this was going to happen. But I love him and I couldn’t not see him while he was here. And I don’t regret it. It was good seeing him and I needed to feel what I’m feeling. Even if it is so hard.
Because as much as I love him and care about him, I know that we can’t make it work. And we shouldn’t have to. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as ours was, even though we had (have) a great connection and a really deep love for each other. The sad thing is, I don’t even think we can be just friends. We never were just friends and I think there will always be these feelings there on some level.
Letting him go knowing that we both feel this way is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.
