I returned from Alaska this morning. And our flight left last night. And I don’t sleep well on planes-even in first class.
So I will have to give a more detailed update later, after some much needed sleep. Maybe I will even include some pictures (if the geniuses at the Apple store can figure out how to rescue my hard drive). However, I will say, this vacation was more amazing than I expected. Alaska is a truly amazing place.
And home to our potential future VP? Didn’t see that one coming…
My summer job officially ended today.
I didn’t realize how much I really loved it until today. Spending my days with little kids was one of the most helpful things for me during this really difficult times. No matter how sad I am feeling, they always make me smile and forget about my problems. I’m going to miss my boys so much. Even if there were so many days that I wanted to tear my hair out.
It was also helpful to have a routine and have some responsibility in my life to keep me getting out of bed in the morning. No matter how shitty I was feeling or how much I hated the world, my kids needed me to be there, so I went to work every day for the past seven weeks.
When I come back from my vacation (which commences Sunday…and not a moment too soon), what will I do? The job that was supposed to give me an answer this week has failed to contact me (likely a bad sign, although the woman did say she was going on vacation). So I officially have NO plans for my life as of August 29th.
I am completely terrified.
Tonight I officially cut the Ex out of my life. Even if it was unplanned and I feel bad. I did it.
Today I spent a lot of time thinking about how hurt I was for so much of our relationship without realizing it and how much I put up with even after I came to my senses. I had been thinking of cutting him out for a long time because there were several times when I would feel as if I was making a lot of progress in dealing with the end of this relationship, just to have him contact me and try to get back together and tell me how much he loves me. Basically, talking to him was a major roadblock to my progress.
It became very clear to me that I would be better off without talking to him. Soon, I also became aware of how much our contact was detrimental to him as well. Our conversations, even though I was very clear that I did not want to get back together, gave him some hope that we would get back together, when in my mind, that was never going to happen.
So tonight, when we were talking online as usual, and he made a suggestive comment, I immediately rebuffed him. Eventually, he asked me to take a stand on whether or not we should talk, and I told him that it was for the best for both of us if we didn’t.
And then he signed off.
I am worried about him because he has no support system and I think he is pretty depressed. And I feel awful about that. That is part of the reason why I put this off for so long. But I also need to think about what is best for me and I know that I will be unable to fully move on from all of this if we remain in contact.
Scary thought: what if we never talk again?
It has come to my attention that I may be too bitter and cynical. It should be noted that before this point in my life, I was overly trusting of others and always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt.
A few days ago I was discussing this whole John Edwards scandal with my mother. I was ranting about how I couldn’t believe that even after all of these allegations have surfaced, he is still telling lies in interviews. My mom replied that she believed what he said to be true (that he was not the father of the baby and that the woman was paid without his knowledge or funds…yeah right).
Then she made a comment that really made me think.
“I see the good in people and you see the bad in people. Why do you have to be so negative?”
For starters, I used to pride myself on seeing the good in people as well. Until I was severely betrayed by my boyfriend and best friend all in a very short time span. Not that I think that ALL people are horrible asshole liars. BUT, men who cheat on their significant others? The people who they supposedly love and are deeply committed to? Definitely horrible asshole liars.
Today I was reading about Jamie Lynn Spears (maybe I should stop reading all this celebrity gossip) and how her baby-daddy cheated on her for a long time, including when she was pregnant. Asshole. Scum. Heshouldbecastratedimmediately.
I have developed an automatic angry response when I hear about these things now that kind of puts me off because it is such a transformation in the way that I think, though I like to think that it shows that I have learned from my mistakes and will never allow myself to be duped again.
Am I being too quick too judge? Maybe. Too cynical? I don’t think so. If someone hurts you like that, they don’t deserve second (or third, or fourth) chances. Once trust is gone it is almost impossible to regain it completely, as much as you think that things will go back to how they were. Before the betrayal that broke your heart. It is hard to really love someone after they hurt you to your core and shake the very foundation of everything that you believe in.
I hope that I will not come to expect the worst from people. Most people are truly good and will always be there for you, will not lie to you, and are completely worthy of your trust. But when it comes to men, I’m afraid that I will always be at least a little distrustful. I feel like I have to be able to protect my heart from feeling that kind of agony again.
But am I sabotaging my ability to be happy? Or am I simply being realistic?
So my only potential roommates have found an apartment. For them. Because as much as we wanted to live together…I STILL. DON’T. HAVE. A. JOB. (Although I had two interviews last week and another tomorrow. I AM trying here, people). And it’s not fair to make them wait for me to find one, especially since whatever job I get will probably not pay me enough to make it feasible for me to live with them.
Translation: I get to live at home for at least another year.
Yes, it’s great that I get a free place to live and free food (although I do hate mooching off of my parents). I am certainly appreciative of the fact that my parents have allowed me to “always be able to come home.” BUT, I have to share a room with my sixteen year old sister, deal with my parents on my case all the time, and feel like I am in high school again.
I am 22 years old. I want to be independent. I want to have my own place and come home from my “real” job and do my own thing.
Ugh, I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is just how things are going to have to be for the time being. Or I could always find a random job and live in a shitty studio by myself…too bad I have standards.
Tonight was one of those nice relaxing nights with some girlfriends where you don’t have to impress anyone and can just completely be yourself. No boyfriends, no bars, no drama. Exactly what I needed.
I met Alex on my corner so that we could head downtown together to meet up with Liz and Talia at the movie theater. On the way we talked about relationships, the future, and friends. I told Alex about my recent realization and how cynical it has made me about men. It was nice to finally confess the thoughts that have been consuming me all week, that have caused me to walk around the city with an intimidating glare (my mom always says that my emotions always show so clearly on my face), stay up crying at night, and get distracted from my camp job for the first time this summer (usually being with little kids takes all of my mental energy so I have nothing left to devote to anything else). It was nice to have someone tell me that they understand, and that I have every right to be angry and feel how I am feeling.
We finally met up with Liz and Talia at the theater, bought our tickets to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (no shame here), and walked around to look for a place for dinner. We were in a neighborhood that I don’t know very well, so it was nice to explore a new area of the city, something that doesn’t happen too often since I have lived here my whole life. Finally we settled on a Vietnamese place (YUM) and frozen yogurt for dessert (YUM YUM YUM).
The movie was SO cute (if you like kind-of-cheesy-super-girlie movies). The audience was literally all female who all said “aw” anytime something romantic happened. It was kind of amusing. I needed a happy feel-good movie after all the angry bitterness I have been feeling all week, and this one was pretty fun.
Overall, it was a pretty successful night.
Maybe now I can get out of my funk?
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