Moving On

I took down the posts from my own personal break up story. I was feeling somewhat uncomfortable laying out all the details publicly of something that was very traumatic, devastating, and so completely personal. Maybe some day I will revisit those stories and the lessons I have learned from them, but I don’t feel quite ready yet.

I also feel that I am becoming too much of a “victim” and complaining about everything that has happened to me. Yes, it was completely awful and unfair and hurtful. Yes, I accept some responsibility for allowing those things to happen to me. But I don’t want those events to become my identity. I think that we should recognize our pasts and learn from them and continue to grow, but I am feeling like I am dwelling too much.

I find myself in a place that I don’t want to be in, becoming a person that I don’t want to be and that needs to change. We only get one life and I don’t want to live mine as someone who is always sad and lonely and doesn’t do much to change anything. I need to stop being passive in my own life and simply accepting the things that happen to me, crying over them until I have no tears, but not really doing anything to come up with a solution.

So on this Thanksgiving, in addition to being thankful for the many great things in my life (my family, friends, health, job, home, etc), I am thankful for reaching the realization that things need to change and that only I have the power to make that change. I am thankful that I finally have the will to start making some changes in my life.

Letters

Dear School,

Please stop having fire drills. Every. Single. Day. It is cold outside and we have all gotten the hang of the going outside quickly and quietly thing. I know that these kids need to learn how to escape a burning building safely, but enough is enough. My kids are five and take forever to put on their coats. And mittens. And hats. Especially while walking quickly (not running!).

Regards,

Ms. Sarah

Dear Ex,

Please stay out of my dreams. I know we have officially had no contact for over a MONTH and it’s hard to deal with (for me too obviously), but I am not planning on visiting you anytime soon so dreaming about visiting you and seeing you just makes me wake up sad. I need to at least have some coffee in me before I can face feeling like that. So stay away, okay?

Love,

Sarah

Dear mice that are inhabiting my school,

No one wants you around. I know it is cold outside and you want somewhere warm to live like the rest of us. But I do not appreciate hearing you moving around while I am trying to eat my lunch. Also, stomping my feet wherever I go to potentially scare you away is getting very old. So find somewhere else. You can’t hide from the sticky traps forever!

Sincerely,

Sarah

To Yoga or Not To Yoga?

My attempts to go to the gym regularly have failed miserably. I am the queen of coming up with excuses and I have gotten insanely lazy. I’m not trying to lose weight, I just really want to get in shape and be healthy. I am able to convince myself to go every now and then, but there is usually a week or two in between workouts (pathetic I know, especially since there is a gym IN MY BUILDING!).

That being said, I really enjoy yoga and I’m thinking of taking classes. I think having a set time when I am supposed to go would help encourage me to actually stick with it. Plus, I find it fun and much more enjoyable than running on a treadmill.

However, yoga is expensive. I’ve looked around at a few places on the internet and classes are typically about $18 each session (you can typically go to whichever class you want as often as you want), so even if I went just once a week, that would be $72 per month! For someone who is making next to nothing and is trying to save for graduate school and a security deposit on an apartment, that is quite a chunk of change. Of course, if I really decided that it was that important to me, I could scrimp on other areas like eating out.

So what do you think? Should I try and get myself in shape, but at a cost? Or should I save money and stick with my old ways? And most importantly, how do YOU motivate yourself to work out?

Cleaning Spree

After something of an emotional meltdown yesterday (triggered by a variety of events) I decided that my room needed a makeover. Projects always help distract me, and this one was very much needed.

I am in an unfortunate situation where I am living at home (for which I am very grateful, but still…) and I have to share a room with my 17-year old sister. I am lucky that she is extremely easy to live with and awesome, but stick two girls in a room and lots of STUFF accumulates in a very small space. It got to the point where there just wasn’t room for me in there anymore and I was feeling extremely claustrophobic, to the point where I wasn’t really spending much time in there beyond sleeping (leading me to spend LOTS of time with my parents).

So yesterday I decided enough was enough. I went to the Container Store (most amazing store on the planet…seriously, if you haven’t gone there, you don’t know what you are missing) and stocked up on some pretty boxes to keep me organized and got to work. I cleaned out a huge amount of stuff (over four garbage bags full). It felt really good to purge myself of all that clutter and now I am feeling MUCH better and productive.

Of course now that I am almost done and my temporary distraction is finished, I may have to actually face my meltdown and what caused it. Or I could come up with another project…

Sick

So the cold that has been traveling among the members of my family has finally decided to torture me. Of course I don’t have any sick days yet at work (and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t take one…damn you, work ethic).  So for the moment I will just sit in my sweatpants curled up with my tea, go to bed crazy early, and hope it all goes away.

Admittedly, I was feeling kind of down in the dumps even before this unfortunate sickness. This could have something to do with the crazy dreams I have been haunted by, including, but not limited to one where I am sitting next to the Bitch (I really need a better name for her) in the library at college. We start talking, I print my essay from her computer (because we were so close and chummy?), and I start telling her all the reasons why she shouldn’t be going for my (ex) boyfriend. Clearly my subconscious is telling me that I am not over all of this yet.

I really need to do a post (or a few) where I explain everything that happened. It would probably make everything a lot clearer. But not until I get over this silly cold.

Just a Few Things

Quick update here.

Tomorrow will be two weeks of NO contact whatsoever. I am very proud of myself for not caving.

Last night, I went out with my cousin and we got hit on by a FELON. Yes, after introducing himself as Jason, the next tidbit that he decided to share with us was that he had just gotten out of jail after FOUR years for robbery. He even showed us his parol ID and explained that he just needed to be “honest” about who he is. Clearly, a real winner. He then proceeded to whisper extremely dirty and disgusting things in my ear before we told him to leave us alone.

I’m getting a haircut in a couple hours and I’m considering getting bangs. Thoughts?

Drowning

I am so overwhelmed right now, my chest is tight and I have to remind myself to take deep breaths.

I am kind of at risk for getting fired. The teacher in my class had a talk with me today (after I almost/kind of cried in front of her yesterday) and she told me it wasn’t a threat, but basically if I don’t step things up, it won’t  work out with us. She is, by her own admission, a very difficult person to work with. But I was also thrown into a job after school started (meaning that I completely missed orientation and had no time for anyone to show me the ropes), so I was behind to start with. Then the teacher injured her finger, putting us back a few days because of absences.

The bottom line is that it is November. We are two weeks behind the curriculum (she is usually two weeks AHEAD) and our classroom is still not completely set up. Parent-Teacher Conferences are in two weeks and we are not at all prepared. She sees this as essentially my fault, and while it is my job as the assistant to keep things organized, she has not been all that helpful. For example, she did not inform me until a week or two ago that we are supposed to have a filing system in place for all their work to show at conferences. How was I supposed to know this? I’ve never worked in a classroom before. I’m essentially expected to be in sync with her scattered, disorganized brain and it is SO frustrating.

I am fully aware that I have been working too slowly, my perfectionism is slowing me down, and the two of us have not been communicating well. But it is also really hard for me to get all my work done when she stops me in the middle to ask me to do three OTHER things, kids are coming up to me asking me how to spell “the” and to complain about who hit them. I’m really on a learning curve in terms of reaching a good balance with working well and working efficiently and being able to predict her next move. She knows I have been trying, and I really have been. There have been a few days where I didn’t even take my lunch break because I was so busy working. Today I stayed an hour and a half after school (I don’t get paid overtime).

However, I don’t want to lose my job. This is a great learning experience for me and I have been enjoying it so much until now. I understand that she needs a lot from me and I am determined to try harder and be a better assistant so that we can get to where we need to be, I just hate the feeling that she is looking to get rid of me the next time I screw up.

Oh, and our classroom is infested with mice, which terrifies me beyond words.

Um, Really?

One of my coworkers yesterday asked me who I was voting for. We don’t even know each other that well so I found it strange that she would ask me a personal question like that. I really didn’t feel like getting into a political discussion at work, but I told her that I was going to vote for Obama. Her response? “I’m not sure who I am voting for yet, but it definitely won’t be Obama. He’s a socialist.” Um, really? First of all, you better figure out who you are voting for because the election is TODAY (tomorrow at the time). Secondly, a socialist? I was shocked. Do people seriously believe that?

I don’t want to go on a whole political tirade now, but needless to say, I was appalled.

Also, one of my kindergarteners said to me yesterday, “I’m voting for A Rock Obama.” I love my job. I also love that we get Election Day off.

Please vote today! And make sure to get your free Ben & Jerry’s/Starbucks!

One Week!

So I have gone one week with no contact with the Ex (and counting)!

The week wasn’t so bad, because I really don’t have anything left to say to him, but this weekend was rough for sentimental reasons. It was the weekend of a special event that we used to go to together. I don’t think he took anyone else, but it just made me think about how things used to be.

I was reading through some old journal entries from throughout our relationship, and I’ve realized that while I blame him for a lot of what went on, I also allowed it to happen. But I was too inexperienced and immature to recognize the red flags that I now see screaming in those pages. Which, I suppose, means that, at the very least, I have learned a lot from this relationship. And hindsight is certainly helpful.

Pet Peeve

So I just got back from a nice Sunday brunch with one of my best girlfriends from college. She lives in my neighborhood, but with our busy schedules, we haven’t seen each other in quite a while, so I suggested that we get together today. She said that it sounded great and that she would meet me at the restaurant. Her exact words were “I’ll meet you there at 11.”

The problem? She brought her boyfriend.

Now I don’t have a problem with her boyfriend, and I don’t technically have a problem with the fact that she brought him (although it was slightly annoying). I have issue with the fact that I didn’t know he was coming. This is something that I have found that people in relationships do all the time. If I’m having a party or a get together and I invite you, then you can probably assume that I am also inviting your significant other or a date of some kind. But if I invite you to brunch or dinner or coffee? I’m kind of expecting that it will be just the two of us. I don’t like surprises. If you are planning on bringing him, TELL me! Say “WE will meet you at 11″ or “WE can’t wait to see you.” WE something so I know what to expect. Otherwise the guy just shows up and I get all disappointed.

To my friend, this was clearly no big deal, but I was looking forward to some good girl talk over coffee and french toast. And everyone knows that you can’t have REAL girl talk if a guy is sitting there awkwardly.

Moral of the story: If I am inviting you to my Halloween party, by all means bring a date. If I invite you and only you to brunch, bring yourself. And if you absolutely MUST bring someone, just let me know before the poor guy shows up and I go from “Yay, you’re here!” to a blank stare with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.