I’m Free!

I talked to the Ex last night. It was long, drawn out, and very ugly. But we are officially no longer speaking. And if I have anything to say about it, things will stay that way for a long time. I really wish things hadn’t ended on such a sour note (he said some really hurtful things and blamed me for it) but now that it is all over, I feel relieved. Like a weight has been lifted off my chest and all of a sudden I can breathe again. I do miss him on some level, but not at all like before. I think this is what it means to really move on.

On a completely different note, I sorted out my application fiasco today and it turns out that someone on the school’s end made an error (surprise surprise). The lady I spoke to fixed it for me and informed me that a decision would be made Wednesday and I would be notified before the end of the month! I’m SO happy it’s not too late. Now I just have to cross my fingers for a week or two!

Long Day

Today was almost completely unbearable. I really thought I might not make it.

The admissions office was closed today (is December 12 important for some reason?) so now I have to wait until Monday to at least begin to find out what the deal is with my application. I’m sure it was just a mistake, but I’m worried that it is too LATE to fix that mistake and that would just be devastating.

Add to that the Ex stress. I haven’t mentioned it on here, but we have been talking again (I know, I know). A friend of mine contacted me last night and filled me in on some of the new lies he has told me as well as girls he has been with recently (including one who may have been in the picture even when we were together…the one girl who I just KNEW was going to be a problem). It gave me the heart pounding, stomach sinking, nauseating feeling I have gotten twice before from hearing about his infidelities. Granted we are not together now, so he doesn’t really owe me anything and it is my fault for continuing to talk to him, but when I find out that he has all this going on the side while he tells me that I am his soul mate, he will do anything to get me back, he will never be interested in anyone again because he doesn’t want to find someone new and I was the perfect girlfriend…it hurts. A lot. Not to mention he lied to me again. You would think I would have learned by now. But he really is THAT good. I just can’t tell when he is lying. Jerk.

Thinking about all of this disgusts me. It makes me want to have nothing further to do with him because it will only be a matter of time before he makes me feel like this again. And this kind of hurt is debilitating. I had no energy for anything today, I just felt sad and empty (and my job can usually get me out of any bad mood, distract me from any stress). I couldn’t focus and I just felt miserable. Every smile took effort. It has been months since I felt this way and I have had enough.

The next time I talk to him, I am going to tell him that I don’t want to talk to him anymore and that he shouldn’t contact me. If I don’t do this, you all have permission to yell at me.

I deserve to be treated better than this.

Just a Few Things

Quick update here.

Tomorrow will be two weeks of NO contact whatsoever. I am very proud of myself for not caving.

Last night, I went out with my cousin and we got hit on by a FELON. Yes, after introducing himself as Jason, the next tidbit that he decided to share with us was that he had just gotten out of jail after FOUR years for robbery. He even showed us his parol ID and explained that he just needed to be “honest” about who he is. Clearly, a real winner. He then proceeded to whisper extremely dirty and disgusting things in my ear before we told him to leave us alone.

I’m getting a haircut in a couple hours and I’m considering getting bangs. Thoughts?

The Final Step?

For the past few days I have been trying to (once again) tell the Ex that we needed to stop talking. That we were only putting salt in our wounds and preventing each other from moving on. That it was unhealthy to talk everyday. That it really really needed to stop. Except today he beat me to the punch, telling me that he doesn’t think he should talk to me anymore because it’s killing him.

And really, it’s a good thing and I’m glad he finally took that step because I don’t know how long it would have taken me to build up the courage again. I know in my head that this is what is best for us (not to mention that everything I have ever read about breakups says that No Contact is completely and totally essential to moving on). I just need to wait for my heart to catch up with my head, and I know it will in time. But for now, not talking is hard. Really hard. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. In spite of everything, I miss him and it kills me to know that we may never talk again.

I’ve realized that by talking, our breakup was never really complete. Sure, we were apart from each other and seeing other people (he was at least…I think), but we were still involved with each other emotionally, comforting and supporting each other. And that’s just not healthy at this point. So this step, of breaking contact, is really the last step that we have to take in order to move on.

And now we have taken it.

I just have to figure out how to deal with it.

Progress!

In an effort to hide from the hurricane-like weather outside, I spent the day inside watching chick flicks. I watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and Dirty Dancing (neither of which I had seen before, though I did read the book Bridget Jones). And yes, they were fun and cheesy and everything you would expect from chick flicks, but the amazing part? I was able to watch and enjoy them and not be a sad, mopey, craptastic mess after! And that is progress, my friends.

We haven’t communicated in over 3 weeks, and while it is one of the hardest things I have had to do, it is also one of the best because now I am beginning to feel like myself again. I no longer feel like I am in a haze, like I will never be happy again, like I am just a body going from place to place but I am not really there. I still get sad, but only if I allow myself to rehash everything in my head, which I don’t have a strong desire to do anymore. So basically, no contact is the most effective way to move on from a breakup because it allows you to really distract yourself and not always think about how much you miss the person. It is terribly painful in the beginning, but it does get better, I promise.

And I have an interview on Monday! *fingers crossed!*

When the Guy Finds Someone New

My computer is back! And working! (Therefore I can upload my Alaska pictures soon!)

These past few days have been really stressful. Mostly brought on by my own psycho ex girlfriend craziness. I decided to look at the facebook of the nice girl who I hate because she flirted with my (ex)boyfriend right in front of me, convinced me that I was crazy for thinking she liked him, and then actively pursued him the second we broke up. I need to come up with a good pseudonym for her…any suggestions? Anyway, I have been avoiding looking at her profile because I knew that I would find things that I didn’t want to see and my will power has been pretty good these past few weeks (although being thousands of miles away and having limited internet access in Alaska certainly helped). Of course, I saw something that made me want to throw up. And I am fairly sure that they are hooking up. Which sucks.

So, being a girl, I have spent the past few days imagining the extent of this “relationship.” I know that I shouldn’t care. It doesn’t change anything. And it’s not like I want to get back together with him, so it shouldn’t matter who he does or doesn’t see. But I think what bothers me is partially that it is HER and I feel betrayed by whatever it is that they have because I saw it beginning before my eyes while we were still together when he was supposed to be earning back my trust.

It also bothers me because it means that we are officially over. Which i have known for over three months. But up until a few weeks ago we have been talking regularly, so it didn’t really feel like we were completely broken up. Now, not only is it excruciating to resist the temptation to pick up the phone and text him (especially since yesterday was his birthday), but I have to deal with the thought of him with this new girl haunting me.

They say breakups are hard for a reason.

Major Progress

Tonight I officially cut the Ex out of my life. Even if it was unplanned and I feel bad. I did it.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about how hurt I was for so much of our relationship without realizing it and how much I put up with even after I came to my senses. I had been thinking of cutting him out for a long time because there were several times when I would feel as if I was making a lot of progress in dealing with the end of this relationship, just to have him contact me and try to get back together and tell me how much he loves me. Basically, talking to him was a major roadblock to my progress.

It became very clear to me that I would be better off without talking to him. Soon, I also became aware of how much our contact was detrimental to him as well. Our conversations, even though I was very clear that I did not want to get back together, gave him some hope that we would get back together, when in my mind, that was never going to happen.

So tonight, when we were talking online as usual, and he made a suggestive comment, I immediately rebuffed him. Eventually, he asked me to take a stand on whether or not we should talk, and I told him that it was for the best for both of us if we didn’t.

And then he signed off.

I am worried about him because he has no support system and I think he is pretty depressed. And I feel awful about that. That is part of the reason why I put this off for so long. But I also need to think about what is best for me and I know that I will be unable to fully move on from all of this if we remain in contact.

Scary thought: what if we never talk again?

A Few Random Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and not a whole lot of brain energy to organize it all. So here is what is going on in my life, in bullet form:

• I got contacts! After a very long trip to the eye doctor on Friday I officially have contacts (and new fancy glasses). My vision isn’t actually THAT bad, but I have trouble seeing far away, particularly street signs which makes me get lost more often than I should considering I am a native New Yorker and all. I didn’t notice much of a difference in the office because nothing was that far away, but when I went outside, I could suddenly SEE everything clearly. It was like seeing everything for the first time. Granted, I could just wear my glasses outside, but I forget them a lot and they just generally annoy me (even though I am told that I look older and more mature with them). I’m having some trouble getting used to them, but so far, TOTALLY worth it.
• On Friday, my mom convinced me to call the people at the job I want. They had said that they were going to make a decision last week, and here it was Friday and I still hadn’t heard from them. Of course, I took this to mean that I didn’t get the job and so I moped and was just generally upset. My mother, however, managed to convince me that at least if I called them I would have some peace of mind because I would get some information either way. She gets on my nerves a lot, but sometimes that lady knows what she is talking about. I called them and they said that they had DEFINITELY NOT made a decision yet (!!!) and that they would call me on Monday. While it may still turn out that I won’t get the job, at least I know that I have not been completely cut so far and I do stand a chance. Fingers crossed that I get some good news tomorrow!
• Yesterday was my first day of camp orientation (did I mention that I am going to be a camp counselor this summer? Even though I did that all through high school? And haven’t done it in about 3 summers? Yeah, I’m cool). Anyway, I need the money and it seems like it will be fun. It’s at a different camp (a much fancier, more expensive camp=more tips for me?), which is weird because I have been at the same place for so long, and now I am in a completely different environment where they do things completely differently and I don’t know anyone. Um, except that my kindergarten teacher and her daughter work there…random much? I couldn’t believe that she recognized me. It will be an interesting summer to say the least.
• Today is Fathers’ Day and after a lovely breakfast at the sketchy diner that we go to, my dad and sister and I decided to go for a bike ride on the bike paths in Riverside Park. It all started out nice until it decided to POUR and we got completely soaked and water got stuck in my eye, messing up the new contact situation, and we ended up dirty and wet. But we actually had a lot of fun. Of course by the time we got home, the sky was blue and it was sunny, so people were giving us funny looks.
• I haven’t had any contact with the Ex in days. I want to so badly, but he gets upset when I talk to him at this point and I know it just makes it harder for him. It’s actually easier for me to not talk to him either, but let’s face it, I miss him. And the thought of him coming to the city and not calling me like he said he would is killing me. He could be here now for all I know, and I would have no idea. But I am proud of myself for not giving in and staying (fairly) strong. Even if on the inside I am still kind of a mess.

Girl’s Night

I really needed this. Tonight I went out with my friend Audrey. We went to a classic Upper West Side bar which was fun and very desperately needed. I was hoping to maybe flirt with some cute guys (let’s face it, I need some male attention), but she is taken so we just hung out, which was nice as well. I got a tad too drunk, but I’m going through a tough time, so clearly, it’s acceptable. Plus we went during happy hour, so the whole bar was half off (!!!).

We also went to see our friend Emily’s new apartment which was really nice. I’m jealous. I’m craving some independence.

This point didn’t really have a point except to say that I am nicely tipsy and I enjoyed some much needed girl time.

Also, I have gone 2 days without communicating with the Ex at all. It’s rough.

Friends with an Ex?

Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

Everything that I have read about relationships and break-ups says that you should establish a period of No Contact with each other so that you both can get over each other. After this, there may be the possibility of friendship.

My ex (how weird to say) and I decided mutually to break up and go our separate ways after graduation. Does this make it easier to remain friends? I would like to be friends with him because he was my first love and I will always care about him. I feel like I am pretty stable right now, even though we only broke up a week ago. It is possible that the weight of our decision hasn’t hit me yet, or maybe I have simply cried too much over it already. In any case, I actually feel pretty okay with this, and I am satisfied with our decision, as much as I do miss him.

The ex, on the other hand, seems to be handling it worse. He IMs and texts me fairly frequently. It doesn’t bother me or make me upset, and I do enjoy hearing from him. I do worry though, that it will make the grieving process more difficult for both of us.

Is there an easy/polite way to say that we shouldn’t talk for a while? Is it even really a problem? And eventually, is it possible to be friends? Or is that something that people say to make themselves feel better about the extreme pain that they feel?