Happiness?

For the first time in a long time, I feel genuinely happy. There are parts of my life that I would still like to change and improve, but I’m okay with that. It is possible to be happy and imperfect. Most people are.

Signing up for jdate was one of the best things I have done for myself in a while. Yes, I feel slightly lame, but really, internet dating is NOT as weird as it seems. I’ve been talking to some (seemingly) awesome, cute, intelligent guys and may even have some potential dates with them.These are guys whose words make me smile, even grin, without me even noticing until my mom gives me a “What’s so funny?” look. Yes, I have talked to some sketchballs and guys much too old for me, but you just tell them that you aren’t interested and move right along. No big deal.

Mainly though, I have learned that there really are other fish in the sea. Of course I always knew that, but I wasn’t sure if any of those other fish would be interested in ME. Now I know that they are and that feels nice. But most importantly, it shows me that I can do so much better than the Ex. And I will.

I already blocked him on AIM (he has me blocked too, but now when he decides to unblock me, he will know that I still don’t want to talk to him). This girl wrote on his facebook wall very flirtatiously last night, and it unnerved me a little, made me slightly jealous, but it didn’t ruin my day like it would have a month ago. It didn’t give me that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach or make my heart start pounding so hard I can almost hear it.

I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to take all of tihs off-line, but I think I have made a pretty good start. And right now that makes me happy. Even if I do have strep throat (crazy germy kids) and have to miss school tomorrow.

I’m Free!

I talked to the Ex last night. It was long, drawn out, and very ugly. But we are officially no longer speaking. And if I have anything to say about it, things will stay that way for a long time. I really wish things hadn’t ended on such a sour note (he said some really hurtful things and blamed me for it) but now that it is all over, I feel relieved. Like a weight has been lifted off my chest and all of a sudden I can breathe again. I do miss him on some level, but not at all like before. I think this is what it means to really move on.

On a completely different note, I sorted out my application fiasco today and it turns out that someone on the school’s end made an error (surprise surprise). The lady I spoke to fixed it for me and informed me that a decision would be made Wednesday and I would be notified before the end of the month! I’m SO happy it’s not too late. Now I just have to cross my fingers for a week or two!

Long Day

Today was almost completely unbearable. I really thought I might not make it.

The admissions office was closed today (is December 12 important for some reason?) so now I have to wait until Monday to at least begin to find out what the deal is with my application. I’m sure it was just a mistake, but I’m worried that it is too LATE to fix that mistake and that would just be devastating.

Add to that the Ex stress. I haven’t mentioned it on here, but we have been talking again (I know, I know). A friend of mine contacted me last night and filled me in on some of the new lies he has told me as well as girls he has been with recently (including one who may have been in the picture even when we were together…the one girl who I just KNEW was going to be a problem). It gave me the heart pounding, stomach sinking, nauseating feeling I have gotten twice before from hearing about his infidelities. Granted we are not together now, so he doesn’t really owe me anything and it is my fault for continuing to talk to him, but when I find out that he has all this going on the side while he tells me that I am his soul mate, he will do anything to get me back, he will never be interested in anyone again because he doesn’t want to find someone new and I was the perfect girlfriend…it hurts. A lot. Not to mention he lied to me again. You would think I would have learned by now. But he really is THAT good. I just can’t tell when he is lying. Jerk.

Thinking about all of this disgusts me. It makes me want to have nothing further to do with him because it will only be a matter of time before he makes me feel like this again. And this kind of hurt is debilitating. I had no energy for anything today, I just felt sad and empty (and my job can usually get me out of any bad mood, distract me from any stress). I couldn’t focus and I just felt miserable. Every smile took effort. It has been months since I felt this way and I have had enough.

The next time I talk to him, I am going to tell him that I don’t want to talk to him anymore and that he shouldn’t contact me. If I don’t do this, you all have permission to yell at me.

I deserve to be treated better than this.

Moving On

I took down the posts from my own personal break up story. I was feeling somewhat uncomfortable laying out all the details publicly of something that was very traumatic, devastating, and so completely personal. Maybe some day I will revisit those stories and the lessons I have learned from them, but I don’t feel quite ready yet.

I also feel that I am becoming too much of a “victim” and complaining about everything that has happened to me. Yes, it was completely awful and unfair and hurtful. Yes, I accept some responsibility for allowing those things to happen to me. But I don’t want those events to become my identity. I think that we should recognize our pasts and learn from them and continue to grow, but I am feeling like I am dwelling too much.

I find myself in a place that I don’t want to be in, becoming a person that I don’t want to be and that needs to change. We only get one life and I don’t want to live mine as someone who is always sad and lonely and doesn’t do much to change anything. I need to stop being passive in my own life and simply accepting the things that happen to me, crying over them until I have no tears, but not really doing anything to come up with a solution.

So on this Thanksgiving, in addition to being thankful for the many great things in my life (my family, friends, health, job, home, etc), I am thankful for reaching the realization that things need to change and that only I have the power to make that change. I am thankful that I finally have the will to start making some changes in my life.

An Admissions Representative Will Be Contacting You Shortly…

This was music to my ears because I have officially applied to graduate school for Early Childhood Education!!! I am so excited because I feel like my application turned out really well and I’m really happy with my personal statement (even if it was 108 words over the word limit…it was all completely necessary, I promise!).

Now I just have to wait an indefinate amount of time to hear if I was accepted or not. It’s really frustrating that they don’t give you any idea when you can expect a response. And they only send decisions by mail. Oh well, I’m just happy that I am DONE.

I have been in such a good mood these past two days, partially because I feel like my life really has some direction now. If I get accepted to graduate school, I will officially be on my way to becoming a teacher. In the meantime, my current job in a kindergarten classroom takes up so much of my mental energy that I am unable to dwell on the stressful things in my life. For the six hours that I am at school anyway.

I had a dream last night that the Ex called me up from a pink bedroom (some weird code that he had been cheating, apparently) and then suddenly we were together trying to race somewhere downtown on the subway even though we knew that the subway was scheduled to blow up at some established time. But we were just happy to be together. Even though he had cheated. And we were about to die. How messed up is that?

At least during the day I have been feeling pretty okay about things. Of course I keep checking facebook obsessively, but knowing that there is no possibility of drama or further conflict is somewhat relieving. Of course I still miss him and I am constantly reminded of him hundreds of times thoughout the day, but I don’t have the same sadness that had been wearing me down.

Things are looking up, my friends.

The Final Step?

For the past few days I have been trying to (once again) tell the Ex that we needed to stop talking. That we were only putting salt in our wounds and preventing each other from moving on. That it was unhealthy to talk everyday. That it really really needed to stop. Except today he beat me to the punch, telling me that he doesn’t think he should talk to me anymore because it’s killing him.

And really, it’s a good thing and I’m glad he finally took that step because I don’t know how long it would have taken me to build up the courage again. I know in my head that this is what is best for us (not to mention that everything I have ever read about breakups says that No Contact is completely and totally essential to moving on). I just need to wait for my heart to catch up with my head, and I know it will in time. But for now, not talking is hard. Really hard. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. In spite of everything, I miss him and it kills me to know that we may never talk again.

I’ve realized that by talking, our breakup was never really complete. Sure, we were apart from each other and seeing other people (he was at least…I think), but we were still involved with each other emotionally, comforting and supporting each other. And that’s just not healthy at this point. So this step, of breaking contact, is really the last step that we have to take in order to move on.

And now we have taken it.

I just have to figure out how to deal with it.

Progress!

In an effort to hide from the hurricane-like weather outside, I spent the day inside watching chick flicks. I watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and Dirty Dancing (neither of which I had seen before, though I did read the book Bridget Jones). And yes, they were fun and cheesy and everything you would expect from chick flicks, but the amazing part? I was able to watch and enjoy them and not be a sad, mopey, craptastic mess after! And that is progress, my friends.

We haven’t communicated in over 3 weeks, and while it is one of the hardest things I have had to do, it is also one of the best because now I am beginning to feel like myself again. I no longer feel like I am in a haze, like I will never be happy again, like I am just a body going from place to place but I am not really there. I still get sad, but only if I allow myself to rehash everything in my head, which I don’t have a strong desire to do anymore. So basically, no contact is the most effective way to move on from a breakup because it allows you to really distract yourself and not always think about how much you miss the person. It is terribly painful in the beginning, but it does get better, I promise.

And I have an interview on Monday! *fingers crossed!*

Major Progress

Tonight I officially cut the Ex out of my life. Even if it was unplanned and I feel bad. I did it.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about how hurt I was for so much of our relationship without realizing it and how much I put up with even after I came to my senses. I had been thinking of cutting him out for a long time because there were several times when I would feel as if I was making a lot of progress in dealing with the end of this relationship, just to have him contact me and try to get back together and tell me how much he loves me. Basically, talking to him was a major roadblock to my progress.

It became very clear to me that I would be better off without talking to him. Soon, I also became aware of how much our contact was detrimental to him as well. Our conversations, even though I was very clear that I did not want to get back together, gave him some hope that we would get back together, when in my mind, that was never going to happen.

So tonight, when we were talking online as usual, and he made a suggestive comment, I immediately rebuffed him. Eventually, he asked me to take a stand on whether or not we should talk, and I told him that it was for the best for both of us if we didn’t.

And then he signed off.

I am worried about him because he has no support system and I think he is pretty depressed. And I feel awful about that. That is part of the reason why I put this off for so long. But I also need to think about what is best for me and I know that I will be unable to fully move on from all of this if we remain in contact.

Scary thought: what if we never talk again?

Things Fall Apart

All of a sudden I feel like my life is something of a mess. Again.

For starters, I had another interview yesterday and I’m not at all sure how it went. The interviewer said that they were talking to a lot of people for the position and they would only call back two for a second interview, but that he would be in touch either way. Great. That sounds wonderful. Basically I am competing against a LOT of (probably more qualified) people for a position at a VERY fancy school downtown. It seems like a nice place and I know a lot of people there, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

The other job has not gotten back to me, so I can imagine what that means. The problem is that my summer job starts next week and I don’t know when I will be able to interview for other positions. And with my current health situation, I really need to have health insurance. So I’m basically in freak-out panic mode. Which makes me cranky. And fight with my whole family for no reason. And then I feel bad and get crankier. It’s really a vicious cycle.

Hopefully I will not be job-less and living in my parent’s apartment until I am 27. Because I would probably lose my mind.

In other news, I drunkenly made out with a stranger this weekend at a bar. Because I’m classy like that. It should be noted that it was my last night of drinking for nine months. Because I’m pregnant. JUST KIDDING. Not funny. My health situation requires me to take medication for nine months which=no alcohol. Good for my wallet, not so much for my social life. Anyway, Friday night I had a sort of last hurrah of partying at my friends’ joint birthday get together. And got plastered. And made out with a sketchy guy who I will never see again. Although we did exchange numbers and he lives in my neighborhood. It was really strange to be with someone else. I haven’t kissed anyone besides the Ex in 2.5 years. I forgot what it was like to be with someone else. It was kind of nice (minus the sketchiness) and I didn’t feel guilty or start bawling in the middle. So I guess this is progress.

Baby steps, right?