Now What?

My summer job officially ended today.

I didn’t realize how much I really loved it until today. Spending my days with little kids was one of the most helpful things for me during this really difficult times. No matter how sad I am feeling, they always make me smile and forget about my problems. I’m going to miss my boys so much. Even if there were so many days that I wanted to tear my hair out.

It was also helpful to have a routine and have some responsibility in my life to keep me getting out of bed in the morning. No matter how shitty I was feeling or how much I hated the world, my kids needed me to be there, so I went to work every day for the past seven weeks.

When I come back from my vacation (which commences Sunday…and not a moment too soon), what will I do? The job that was supposed to give me an answer this week has failed to contact me (likely a bad sign, although the woman did say she was going on vacation). So I officially have NO plans for my life as of August 29th.

I am completely terrified.

A Girlie Saturday Night

Tonight was one of those nice relaxing nights with some girlfriends where you don’t have to impress anyone and can just completely be yourself. No boyfriends, no bars, no drama. Exactly what I needed.

I met Alex on my corner so that we could head downtown together to meet up with Liz and Talia at the movie theater. On the way we talked about relationships, the future, and friends. I told Alex about my recent realization and how cynical it has made me about men. It was nice to finally confess the thoughts that have been consuming me all week, that have caused me to walk around the city with an intimidating glare (my mom always says that my emotions always show so clearly on my face), stay up crying at night, and get distracted from my camp job for the first time this summer (usually being with little kids takes all of my mental energy so I have nothing left to devote to anything else). It was nice to have someone tell me that they understand, and that I have every right to be angry and feel how I am feeling.

We finally met up with Liz and Talia at the theater, bought our tickets to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (no shame here), and walked around to look for a place for dinner. We were in a neighborhood that I don’t know very well, so it was nice to explore a new area of the city, something that doesn’t happen too often since I have lived here my whole life. Finally we settled on a Vietnamese place (YUM) and frozen yogurt for dessert (YUM YUM YUM).

The movie was SO cute (if you like kind-of-cheesy-super-girlie movies). The audience was literally all female who all said “aw” anytime something romantic happened. It was kind of amusing. I needed a happy feel-good movie after all the angry bitterness I have been feeling all week, and this one was pretty fun.

Overall, it was a pretty successful night.

Maybe now I can get out of my funk?

A Few Random Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and not a whole lot of brain energy to organize it all. So here is what is going on in my life, in bullet form:

• I got contacts! After a very long trip to the eye doctor on Friday I officially have contacts (and new fancy glasses). My vision isn’t actually THAT bad, but I have trouble seeing far away, particularly street signs which makes me get lost more often than I should considering I am a native New Yorker and all. I didn’t notice much of a difference in the office because nothing was that far away, but when I went outside, I could suddenly SEE everything clearly. It was like seeing everything for the first time. Granted, I could just wear my glasses outside, but I forget them a lot and they just generally annoy me (even though I am told that I look older and more mature with them). I’m having some trouble getting used to them, but so far, TOTALLY worth it.
• On Friday, my mom convinced me to call the people at the job I want. They had said that they were going to make a decision last week, and here it was Friday and I still hadn’t heard from them. Of course, I took this to mean that I didn’t get the job and so I moped and was just generally upset. My mother, however, managed to convince me that at least if I called them I would have some peace of mind because I would get some information either way. She gets on my nerves a lot, but sometimes that lady knows what she is talking about. I called them and they said that they had DEFINITELY NOT made a decision yet (!!!) and that they would call me on Monday. While it may still turn out that I won’t get the job, at least I know that I have not been completely cut so far and I do stand a chance. Fingers crossed that I get some good news tomorrow!
• Yesterday was my first day of camp orientation (did I mention that I am going to be a camp counselor this summer? Even though I did that all through high school? And haven’t done it in about 3 summers? Yeah, I’m cool). Anyway, I need the money and it seems like it will be fun. It’s at a different camp (a much fancier, more expensive camp=more tips for me?), which is weird because I have been at the same place for so long, and now I am in a completely different environment where they do things completely differently and I don’t know anyone. Um, except that my kindergarten teacher and her daughter work there…random much? I couldn’t believe that she recognized me. It will be an interesting summer to say the least.
• Today is Fathers’ Day and after a lovely breakfast at the sketchy diner that we go to, my dad and sister and I decided to go for a bike ride on the bike paths in Riverside Park. It all started out nice until it decided to POUR and we got completely soaked and water got stuck in my eye, messing up the new contact situation, and we ended up dirty and wet. But we actually had a lot of fun. Of course by the time we got home, the sky was blue and it was sunny, so people were giving us funny looks.
• I haven’t had any contact with the Ex in days. I want to so badly, but he gets upset when I talk to him at this point and I know it just makes it harder for him. It’s actually easier for me to not talk to him either, but let’s face it, I miss him. And the thought of him coming to the city and not calling me like he said he would is killing me. He could be here now for all I know, and I would have no idea. But I am proud of myself for not giving in and staying (fairly) strong. Even if on the inside I am still kind of a mess.