I Did It!

So you know that job I was waiting to hear back from? WELL I GOT IT! I AM OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED! After 6 months of searching, I finally have a job and could not be happier (unless they gave me benefits, but I will take what I can get). I will be working in a kindergarten classroom full time in an elementary school very close to my apartment and I will continue to babysit after school, so I should be able to save a decent amount of money so that I can move out next year!

I start Monday! Unfortunately I am sick with nasty cold, so I have to spend my last couple of days of freedom housebound, but still…I totally have a job! YES YES YES!

Rant

If an employer tells a job applicant that she will let the applicant know if they got the job that day or the next day, then that’s what she should do!

It is now two days later and I still have no response! I know this means that I probably didn’t get the job, and that sucks. A lot. Especially since it was my last hope for some sort of permanent employment (i.e. NOT subbing). But regardless, if you say you will do something, DO IT. Don’t leave me hanging. It’s inconsiderate, rude, and makes me not want to work for you (except that I am so completely desperate for employment, I would work for the headmistress in Matilda).

In other news, I went to the Mets game tonight and it was SO GOOD. It’s kind of sad that Shea is closing though. As my friend Liz said, “Yeah it’s a shithole, but it’s MY shithole.”

Living At Home

So my only potential roommates have found an apartment. For them. Because as much as we wanted to live together…I STILL. DON’T. HAVE. A. JOB. (Although I had two interviews last week and another tomorrow. I AM trying here, people). And it’s not fair to make them wait for me to find one, especially since whatever job I get will probably not pay me enough to make it feasible for me to live with them.

Translation: I get to live at home for at least another year.

Yes, it’s great that I get a free place to live and free food (although I do hate mooching off of my parents). I am certainly appreciative of the fact that my parents have allowed me to “always be able to come home.” BUT, I have to share a room with my sixteen year old sister, deal with my parents on my case all the time, and feel like I am in high school again.

I am 22 years old. I want to be independent. I want to have my own place and come home from my “real” job and do my own thing.
Ugh, I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is just how things are going to have to be for the time being. Or I could always find a random job and live in a shitty studio by myself…too bad I have standards.

Things Fall Apart

All of a sudden I feel like my life is something of a mess. Again.

For starters, I had another interview yesterday and I’m not at all sure how it went. The interviewer said that they were talking to a lot of people for the position and they would only call back two for a second interview, but that he would be in touch either way. Great. That sounds wonderful. Basically I am competing against a LOT of (probably more qualified) people for a position at a VERY fancy school downtown. It seems like a nice place and I know a lot of people there, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

The other job has not gotten back to me, so I can imagine what that means. The problem is that my summer job starts next week and I don’t know when I will be able to interview for other positions. And with my current health situation, I really need to have health insurance. So I’m basically in freak-out panic mode. Which makes me cranky. And fight with my whole family for no reason. And then I feel bad and get crankier. It’s really a vicious cycle.

Hopefully I will not be job-less and living in my parent’s apartment until I am 27. Because I would probably lose my mind.

In other news, I drunkenly made out with a stranger this weekend at a bar. Because I’m classy like that. It should be noted that it was my last night of drinking for nine months. Because I’m pregnant. JUST KIDDING. Not funny. My health situation requires me to take medication for nine months which=no alcohol. Good for my wallet, not so much for my social life. Anyway, Friday night I had a sort of last hurrah of partying at my friends’ joint birthday get together. And got plastered. And made out with a sketchy guy who I will never see again. Although we did exchange numbers and he lives in my neighborhood. It was really strange to be with someone else. I haven’t kissed anyone besides the Ex in 2.5 years. I forgot what it was like to be with someone else. It was kind of nice (minus the sketchiness) and I didn’t feel guilty or start bawling in the middle. So I guess this is progress.

Baby steps, right?

Waiting by the Phone

Not what you think. I haven’t been meeting all these guys that I am waiting for to call me. No dates lined up or crushes that I am hoping will ask me out.

No my friends. I am job hunting.

So the job that I wanted was supposed to call me on Monday. Of course, they did not. Tuesday rolls around, still no call. It should be noted that I spent these whole two days waiting anxiously by the phone. Every time the phone would ring I would jump up, my heart would stop beating for a full second, my hands would rush over to my pink cell phone, check the caller ID and then my heart would sink again. Just my mom. Or my friend who I had left a voicemail for. All perfectly good phone calls, but not the ones I wanted. This process repeated several times a day.

By Wednesday, I was sick of this whole thing. I wanted to know what was going on. Even if it was bad news, I needed to know. The whole unknown thing was not working for me. I hate not knowing things. Especially when it is something as important as my first post-college job! So I called them. And I am happy I did. I feel much much better now. And my heart can relax a little bit.

Basically, they are still looking for an assistant teacher. They liked me and all, but they wish that I had more experience (they’ve known this all along so that kind of pissed me off). They haven’t completely dropped me out of consideration because it seems like they are having trouble finding people, but they would like to find someone who is more experienced. Basically, if they can’t find someone better, they will settle for me. While I would normally not settle for being settled for, I don’t have any other interviews lined up despite sending my resume to 29488392 schools (or so it seems).

The one thing that this school did say is that they would like to see me in a teacher’s aide position for this first year to gain experience and then move up to assistant the next year. Which I would totally do (who am I to turn down jobs at this point?) except that it is part-time, pays practically nothing, and has NO BENEFITS. I don’t care about most benefits as a 22 year old living at home, but health insurance? Kind of important. Especially given my recent health discovery that will force me to make a LOT of doctor visits over the next year. So yeah, kind of a problem.

So basically they will take me as an assistant if they can’t get anyone better or they will give me a job with no benefits. Or I can keep sending my resume into the black hole of the internet where I never get any responses (although honestly, I can’t think of any other schools to apply to). So what should I do?

In other news, the Ex is coming to the city today. We will hang out at some point. Probably a bad idea, especially because last night he told me that he still loves me and misses my smile. So I will likely regret this later, but right now, I don’t care. I know that I am not taking him back and I know that nothing will happen. So whatever.

A Few Random Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and not a whole lot of brain energy to organize it all. So here is what is going on in my life, in bullet form:

• I got contacts! After a very long trip to the eye doctor on Friday I officially have contacts (and new fancy glasses). My vision isn’t actually THAT bad, but I have trouble seeing far away, particularly street signs which makes me get lost more often than I should considering I am a native New Yorker and all. I didn’t notice much of a difference in the office because nothing was that far away, but when I went outside, I could suddenly SEE everything clearly. It was like seeing everything for the first time. Granted, I could just wear my glasses outside, but I forget them a lot and they just generally annoy me (even though I am told that I look older and more mature with them). I’m having some trouble getting used to them, but so far, TOTALLY worth it.
• On Friday, my mom convinced me to call the people at the job I want. They had said that they were going to make a decision last week, and here it was Friday and I still hadn’t heard from them. Of course, I took this to mean that I didn’t get the job and so I moped and was just generally upset. My mother, however, managed to convince me that at least if I called them I would have some peace of mind because I would get some information either way. She gets on my nerves a lot, but sometimes that lady knows what she is talking about. I called them and they said that they had DEFINITELY NOT made a decision yet (!!!) and that they would call me on Monday. While it may still turn out that I won’t get the job, at least I know that I have not been completely cut so far and I do stand a chance. Fingers crossed that I get some good news tomorrow!
• Yesterday was my first day of camp orientation (did I mention that I am going to be a camp counselor this summer? Even though I did that all through high school? And haven’t done it in about 3 summers? Yeah, I’m cool). Anyway, I need the money and it seems like it will be fun. It’s at a different camp (a much fancier, more expensive camp=more tips for me?), which is weird because I have been at the same place for so long, and now I am in a completely different environment where they do things completely differently and I don’t know anyone. Um, except that my kindergarten teacher and her daughter work there…random much? I couldn’t believe that she recognized me. It will be an interesting summer to say the least.
• Today is Fathers’ Day and after a lovely breakfast at the sketchy diner that we go to, my dad and sister and I decided to go for a bike ride on the bike paths in Riverside Park. It all started out nice until it decided to POUR and we got completely soaked and water got stuck in my eye, messing up the new contact situation, and we ended up dirty and wet. But we actually had a lot of fun. Of course by the time we got home, the sky was blue and it was sunny, so people were giving us funny looks.
• I haven’t had any contact with the Ex in days. I want to so badly, but he gets upset when I talk to him at this point and I know it just makes it harder for him. It’s actually easier for me to not talk to him either, but let’s face it, I miss him. And the thought of him coming to the city and not calling me like he said he would is killing me. He could be here now for all I know, and I would have no idea. But I am proud of myself for not giving in and staying (fairly) strong. Even if on the inside I am still kind of a mess.

Whoa. Where did that come from?

You know how I was feeling all good and happy with my life? That was fun. Now I want to curl up and cry for a while.

I had my final interview today for the job I wanted. I was told that I would be meeting the head teacher that I would potentially be working under to see how we got along and so that we could “finish up the process.” So I assumed that it would be fairly informal and intended to make sure that we were compatible. So imagine my surprise when I find myself being grilled for an hour.

The thing is, I’m not great under pressure. I’m just not. I like to plan things out and I am definitely not spontaneous. I don’t like surprises. Basically, I was not prepared for an interrogation so I don’t think I performed all that well. She asked me situational questions that I don’t have the education or experience to answer effectively (she is aware of this) as well as psychological questions that just made me nervous. I wasn’t sure what she was looking for so I didn’t know how to answer her questions. So I told the truth. I figured that I might as well be honest in my answers, even if it costs me the job.

She was very nice, she just made me nervous. And this whole time, I have felt so comfortable in that school and I never had any reason to feel nervous. Which is why I was so caught off-guard…it was not at all what I was expecting. The one good thing that she said was that she likes to “grow teachers” and mentor them, meaning that she is not completely put off by my lack of experience. But I couldn’t read her at all and I have no idea what she thought of me.

When I left, the head teacher and the director were going to discuss what they thought of me and “make some big decisions.” Great. That’s not intimidating at all. I don’t even know how many people I am competing against. But apparently I will have an answer next week. Every time I have left an interview there, I have felt great, like this was something that was actually going to happen for me. I felt confident and encouraged. But today? I feel nervous, under-qualified, and uncertain. And that sucks. A lot.

And to top it all off? The ex sent me a text message that made me really upset. Apparently, as much as I had trust issues with him, he doesn’t trust me either (even though I have NEVER given him any reason not to). And he wants to talk about it later. Great. The universe is really playing some games with my mind these days.

It’s All Coming Together?

My life went from being a complete mess to having some sort of direction in just a week and a half. Granted, I am still upset about my new single-status, and I have a long way to go to repair things with my friends, but for the most part, I am happy–for the first time in a looong time.

It seems like I really will get this job. I have a meeting with the head teacher on Friday, and the assistant to the director said that they want to “finish up the process” (aka offer me a job? hopefully?). I don’t want to be disappointed, but they are seriously leading me to believe that I will no longer be jobless. And that is a very very good thing.

I have finally figured out that this is what I want to do with my life. Being a teacher seems so comfortable and natural for me. When I was in the classroom yesterday I felt like I was in my element, where time flew by, and things just felt right. That’s what this is…my life feels like it is the way it should be right now. I am getting the opportunity to really focus on me and what I want to get out of life. Last night, I even spent a lot of time looking at graduate programs online and figured out that I could apply for admission in the spring and still be able to work. And the best part? As long as I live at home (not ideal, but necessary), I could get my master’s without going into any additional debt. And that would be fabulous. The working all day and school at night thing will probably make me exhausted/on the brink of insanity, but it is really the most practical thing for me, and it just feels right. Which, after years of being clueless of where I wanted my life to go, is a great feeling. Of course, I could change my mind by next week, but for now, there is where I am at.

I also decided that I need some hobbies. Or at least something to keep me sane while I am living at home. I am toying with the idea of yoga, making my own jewelry, and knitting. Any other suggestions?

A Quickie

-The Interview Part 2 today went really well (I think/hope)! The director said that the next step is to meet with the head teacher I would be (potentially) working with, and that she would arrange this meeting and get back to me. It seems like I am likely to get the job, especially since the director contacted my references and started discussing benefits with me, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I have an interview for a summer job at a camp on Thursday, so we’ll see about that too. I wish there was some sort of certainty in my life at the moment. That would really be fantastic.

-I had a lovely afternoon with my girlfriend, A. We went to Starbucks, where I had my first frappuccino in a long time (mocha…mmm so good!), walked for a bit, and came back to my apartment, which is still embarrassingly full of unpacked boxes. We laughed over episodes of Entourage, Jon and Kate Plus 8 (love love love), and Gilmore Girls. I love A. because she always keeps me focused on the positive sides of things and she listens to me complain. And most importantly, she understands all of what I am going through right now. I love my other friends, but I sometimes feel like we don’t have a lot in common. A. and I, however, have similar career goals, experiences, and of course, the same taste in TV, movies, food, and shopping! Basically, she is anything a gal could want in a friend.