Freaking Out

So apparently the graduate school I applied to has sent out Orientation dates and other such information for accepted students. And I have still received NOTHING! I checked my web history and the last time I checked the status of my application was November 23 before last week and there had still been no new information. I suppose I should have kept checking, but nothing had changed and I though decisions were going to be coming out soon and so I guess I thought if there had been a problem I would have known it already. Especially considering I had submitted my application a month before then.

So yes, that was my fault that I did not keep checking back. However, who waits until the end of November/Early December to even suggest that there is a problem? Not to mention that no one made any attempt to actually CONTACT me.

In any case, I am almost sure it is too late to fix any problem or misunderstanding now. However, that will not stop me from calling Graduate Admissions during my measly lunch break and putting up a fight. After all, there is not actually any problem with my application. At least I don’t think so.

Please let this work out. Pretty please? I’m a very qualified applicant, I swear!

Long Day

Today was almost completely unbearable. I really thought I might not make it.

The admissions office was closed today (is December 12 important for some reason?) so now I have to wait until Monday to at least begin to find out what the deal is with my application. I’m sure it was just a mistake, but I’m worried that it is too LATE to fix that mistake and that would just be devastating.

Add to that the Ex stress. I haven’t mentioned it on here, but we have been talking again (I know, I know). A friend of mine contacted me last night and filled me in on some of the new lies he has told me as well as girls he has been with recently (including one who may have been in the picture even when we were together…the one girl who I just KNEW was going to be a problem). It gave me the heart pounding, stomach sinking, nauseating feeling I have gotten twice before from hearing about his infidelities. Granted we are not together now, so he doesn’t really owe me anything and it is my fault for continuing to talk to him, but when I find out that he has all this going on the side while he tells me that I am his soul mate, he will do anything to get me back, he will never be interested in anyone again because he doesn’t want to find someone new and I was the perfect girlfriend…it hurts. A lot. Not to mention he lied to me again. You would think I would have learned by now. But he really is THAT good. I just can’t tell when he is lying. Jerk.

Thinking about all of this disgusts me. It makes me want to have nothing further to do with him because it will only be a matter of time before he makes me feel like this again. And this kind of hurt is debilitating. I had no energy for anything today, I just felt sad and empty (and my job can usually get me out of any bad mood, distract me from any stress). I couldn’t focus and I just felt miserable. Every smile took effort. It has been months since I felt this way and I have had enough.

The next time I talk to him, I am going to tell him that I don’t want to talk to him anymore and that he shouldn’t contact me. If I don’t do this, you all have permission to yell at me.

I deserve to be treated better than this.

Uh Oh…

So I checked my application status online (even though the school said that decisions will only be sent by snail mail and not the internet) and it said that my application is INCOMPLETE! Excuse me? From what I can tell, it appears that the school did not receive my teaching certification. Which would be because I don’t have any, as I indicated in the section that asked me about what type of certification I have. Certification is not required for the program, so I don’t understand what the problem is. But now I am freaking out that they aren’t even looking at my application because it is supposedly “incomplete.” Ahhhh.

You would think that they would try to let me know that something was wrong with my application. I know that lots of people apply, but one would think that once they noticed a problem, they could at least send out a generic email saying “Please contact graduate admissions about the status of your application.” Is that really too much to ask? What if it’s too late now?

Tell me this is not really happening…

Now What?

My summer job officially ended today.

I didn’t realize how much I really loved it until today. Spending my days with little kids was one of the most helpful things for me during this really difficult times. No matter how sad I am feeling, they always make me smile and forget about my problems. I’m going to miss my boys so much. Even if there were so many days that I wanted to tear my hair out.

It was also helpful to have a routine and have some responsibility in my life to keep me getting out of bed in the morning. No matter how shitty I was feeling or how much I hated the world, my kids needed me to be there, so I went to work every day for the past seven weeks.

When I come back from my vacation (which commences Sunday…and not a moment too soon), what will I do? The job that was supposed to give me an answer this week has failed to contact me (likely a bad sign, although the woman did say she was going on vacation). So I officially have NO plans for my life as of August 29th.

I am completely terrified.

This Again?

I just had the most awful conversation (via AIM…ick) with the Ex (shocking). I know I need to cut him out of my life, at least for a while. Whenever I start thinking that I am getting to a point where I actually am fine, he finds a way to make me feel bad/upset/angry and I’m right back where I started. But I can’t cut him out yet. It’s pathetic and weak, but I just can’t.

Tonight he confirmed suspicions that I had had for some months now. And it made me want to throw up (this new alcohol-preventing medication is NOT helping). This whole situation is SO infuriating and disgusting. Maybe I will discuss it at some point, but right now, I don’t have the words.

Then, of course, he reminded me that I dumped him. Um, what? I thought we had a mutual break-up? Apparently not. I dumped him and didn’t even realize it. Because all the pain and bitterness he is feeling clearly has to be my fault. I took away all of his future aspirations, took away his desire for a settled-down life, etc. None of that has anything to do with anything he did. At all.

Except the last time I checked, it takes two people to have a relationship. And once again, I am reminded of the fact that he cannot take responsibility for his actions (or he just not self-aware and doesn’t even realize what happened to us), and he will continue to blame me for everything. Forever.

Granted, I was not perfect in this relationship. But at least I am aware of what I have done wrong and I have apologized for what I felt bad about.

I can’t even finish everything I was going to say. I’m too nauseous/sad/distraught/angry/exhausted to go on.

Things Fall Apart

All of a sudden I feel like my life is something of a mess. Again.

For starters, I had another interview yesterday and I’m not at all sure how it went. The interviewer said that they were talking to a lot of people for the position and they would only call back two for a second interview, but that he would be in touch either way. Great. That sounds wonderful. Basically I am competing against a LOT of (probably more qualified) people for a position at a VERY fancy school downtown. It seems like a nice place and I know a lot of people there, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

The other job has not gotten back to me, so I can imagine what that means. The problem is that my summer job starts next week and I don’t know when I will be able to interview for other positions. And with my current health situation, I really need to have health insurance. So I’m basically in freak-out panic mode. Which makes me cranky. And fight with my whole family for no reason. And then I feel bad and get crankier. It’s really a vicious cycle.

Hopefully I will not be job-less and living in my parent’s apartment until I am 27. Because I would probably lose my mind.

In other news, I drunkenly made out with a stranger this weekend at a bar. Because I’m classy like that. It should be noted that it was my last night of drinking for nine months. Because I’m pregnant. JUST KIDDING. Not funny. My health situation requires me to take medication for nine months which=no alcohol. Good for my wallet, not so much for my social life. Anyway, Friday night I had a sort of last hurrah of partying at my friends’ joint birthday get together. And got plastered. And made out with a sketchy guy who I will never see again. Although we did exchange numbers and he lives in my neighborhood. It was really strange to be with someone else. I haven’t kissed anyone besides the Ex in 2.5 years. I forgot what it was like to be with someone else. It was kind of nice (minus the sketchiness) and I didn’t feel guilty or start bawling in the middle. So I guess this is progress.

Baby steps, right?

It’s Finally Hitting Me

My walls are coming down. For the past almost-two weeks, I have been living in a sort of la-la land where I was fine. No, really. Fine. Yes, I am no longer with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but it’s the best for the both of us, it was a mutual decision, it’s the right thing to do. I’m fine.

Until last night. When I was going to sleep, I looked to my right, where I would normally see him sleeping soundly or find him looking back at me. And he wasn’t there. And then I cried, really cried, for the first time since I came home from school. I miss him, I really do. And I’m not fine. I may be doing pretty well, as in I’m not staying in bed all day watching romantic comedies and throwing things at the TV (ala Legally Blonde), and I have been doing things that I need to do, like interviewing and getting jobs, but I did not magically get over the first love of my life simply because I am home and removed from the situation.

This morning, something made me go on Myspace, which I never do. I’m more of a facebook kind of girl. But I logged on and saw that he changed his relationship status to “single.” On facebook, we both have changed it to make it blank. But on Myspace, he is officially single. Which, of course, he is, as am I. But seeing the word there in print. Single. It made it all so real. He could hook up with some sketchy Myspace skanks if he wanted to. He probably won’t, because he is even more of a mess than I am, but he could if that was what he wanted.

He was my boyfriend for two and a half years. And now he has no obligation to me at all. He’s not mine anymore, and I’m no longer “his girl.” The weight of that realization is crushing me, just a little. Even though I know it’s for the best and it’s the right thing to do. It still hurts, and I’m not fine.