Uh Oh…

So I checked my application status online (even though the school said that decisions will only be sent by snail mail and not the internet) and it said that my application is INCOMPLETE! Excuse me? From what I can tell, it appears that the school did not receive my teaching certification. Which would be because I don’t have any, as I indicated in the section that asked me about what type of certification I have. Certification is not required for the program, so I don’t understand what the problem is. But now I am freaking out that they aren’t even looking at my application because it is supposedly “incomplete.” Ahhhh.

You would think that they would try to let me know that something was wrong with my application. I know that lots of people apply, but one would think that once they noticed a problem, they could at least send out a generic email saying “Please contact graduate admissions about the status of your application.” Is that really too much to ask? What if it’s too late now?

Tell me this is not really happening…

Moving On

I took down the posts from my own personal break up story. I was feeling somewhat uncomfortable laying out all the details publicly of something that was very traumatic, devastating, and so completely personal. Maybe some day I will revisit those stories and the lessons I have learned from them, but I don’t feel quite ready yet.

I also feel that I am becoming too much of a “victim” and complaining about everything that has happened to me. Yes, it was completely awful and unfair and hurtful. Yes, I accept some responsibility for allowing those things to happen to me. But I don’t want those events to become my identity. I think that we should recognize our pasts and learn from them and continue to grow, but I am feeling like I am dwelling too much.

I find myself in a place that I don’t want to be in, becoming a person that I don’t want to be and that needs to change. We only get one life and I don’t want to live mine as someone who is always sad and lonely and doesn’t do much to change anything. I need to stop being passive in my own life and simply accepting the things that happen to me, crying over them until I have no tears, but not really doing anything to come up with a solution.

So on this Thanksgiving, in addition to being thankful for the many great things in my life (my family, friends, health, job, home, etc), I am thankful for reaching the realization that things need to change and that only I have the power to make that change. I am thankful that I finally have the will to start making some changes in my life.

Cleaning Spree

After something of an emotional meltdown yesterday (triggered by a variety of events) I decided that my room needed a makeover. Projects always help distract me, and this one was very much needed.

I am in an unfortunate situation where I am living at home (for which I am very grateful, but still…) and I have to share a room with my 17-year old sister. I am lucky that she is extremely easy to live with and awesome, but stick two girls in a room and lots of STUFF accumulates in a very small space. It got to the point where there just wasn’t room for me in there anymore and I was feeling extremely claustrophobic, to the point where I wasn’t really spending much time in there beyond sleeping (leading me to spend LOTS of time with my parents).

So yesterday I decided enough was enough. I went to the Container Store (most amazing store on the planet…seriously, if you haven’t gone there, you don’t know what you are missing) and stocked up on some pretty boxes to keep me organized and got to work. I cleaned out a huge amount of stuff (over four garbage bags full). It felt really good to purge myself of all that clutter and now I am feeling MUCH better and productive.

Of course now that I am almost done and my temporary distraction is finished, I may have to actually face my meltdown and what caused it. Or I could come up with another project…

Rant

If an employer tells a job applicant that she will let the applicant know if they got the job that day or the next day, then that’s what she should do!

It is now two days later and I still have no response! I know this means that I probably didn’t get the job, and that sucks. A lot. Especially since it was my last hope for some sort of permanent employment (i.e. NOT subbing). But regardless, if you say you will do something, DO IT. Don’t leave me hanging. It’s inconsiderate, rude, and makes me not want to work for you (except that I am so completely desperate for employment, I would work for the headmistress in Matilda).

In other news, I went to the Mets game tonight and it was SO GOOD. It’s kind of sad that Shea is closing though. As my friend Liz said, “Yeah it’s a shithole, but it’s MY shithole.”

Now What?

My summer job officially ended today.

I didn’t realize how much I really loved it until today. Spending my days with little kids was one of the most helpful things for me during this really difficult times. No matter how sad I am feeling, they always make me smile and forget about my problems. I’m going to miss my boys so much. Even if there were so many days that I wanted to tear my hair out.

It was also helpful to have a routine and have some responsibility in my life to keep me getting out of bed in the morning. No matter how shitty I was feeling or how much I hated the world, my kids needed me to be there, so I went to work every day for the past seven weeks.

When I come back from my vacation (which commences Sunday…and not a moment too soon), what will I do? The job that was supposed to give me an answer this week has failed to contact me (likely a bad sign, although the woman did say she was going on vacation). So I officially have NO plans for my life as of August 29th.

I am completely terrified.

Living At Home

So my only potential roommates have found an apartment. For them. Because as much as we wanted to live together…I STILL. DON’T. HAVE. A. JOB. (Although I had two interviews last week and another tomorrow. I AM trying here, people). And it’s not fair to make them wait for me to find one, especially since whatever job I get will probably not pay me enough to make it feasible for me to live with them.

Translation: I get to live at home for at least another year.

Yes, it’s great that I get a free place to live and free food (although I do hate mooching off of my parents). I am certainly appreciative of the fact that my parents have allowed me to “always be able to come home.” BUT, I have to share a room with my sixteen year old sister, deal with my parents on my case all the time, and feel like I am in high school again.

I am 22 years old. I want to be independent. I want to have my own place and come home from my “real” job and do my own thing.
Ugh, I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is just how things are going to have to be for the time being. Or I could always find a random job and live in a shitty studio by myself…too bad I have standards.

Yeah, That Was Hard

So I saw him. I don’t regret it, it was nice to see him, but it was difficult. I started out okay, but it was awkward not touching him. Walking down the streets of the city on a gorgeous summer day, it felt strange to not be able to hold his hand. When we did accidentally touch, we apologized and look away. Something that used to feel so natural and comforting was no longer appropriate. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and he would hold my hand, just for an instant, and then apologize. Or kiss my cheek. Or put his arm around me. But all with apologies.

It didn’t get really difficult until I was sitting by myself, waiting for him to finish a meeting. I realized how comforting it was to be with him, even under these uncomfortable circumstances. His presence is soothing. I haven’t seen him in almost a month, the longest that we have ever gone without seeing each other. I can still talk to him so easily, about anything, and he understands. He gets me. And I could see from the way that he looks at me just how much he still loves me. You know, that look.

And that is why I (mostly) didn’t return his touches and I didn’t kiss him when he dropped me off at my building, even though we both wanted to. It would be too painful for both of us, but especially him. And I don’t want to hurt him. I told him that he should come back sometime, but he said that it was so hard to be here without being together with me, which, of course, is true.

But now I don’t know when/if I will see him again. And that sucks. And for the first time since I came home from graduation, I can’t stop crying. I knew this was going to happen. But I love him and I couldn’t not see him while he was here. And I don’t regret it. It was good seeing him and I needed to feel what I’m feeling. Even if it is so hard.

Because as much as I love him and care about him, I know that we can’t make it work. And we shouldn’t have to. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as ours was, even though we had (have) a great connection and a really deep love for each other. The sad thing is, I don’t even think we can be just friends. We never were just friends and I think there will always be these feelings there on some level.

Letting him go knowing that we both feel this way is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

Waiting by the Phone

Not what you think. I haven’t been meeting all these guys that I am waiting for to call me. No dates lined up or crushes that I am hoping will ask me out.

No my friends. I am job hunting.

So the job that I wanted was supposed to call me on Monday. Of course, they did not. Tuesday rolls around, still no call. It should be noted that I spent these whole two days waiting anxiously by the phone. Every time the phone would ring I would jump up, my heart would stop beating for a full second, my hands would rush over to my pink cell phone, check the caller ID and then my heart would sink again. Just my mom. Or my friend who I had left a voicemail for. All perfectly good phone calls, but not the ones I wanted. This process repeated several times a day.

By Wednesday, I was sick of this whole thing. I wanted to know what was going on. Even if it was bad news, I needed to know. The whole unknown thing was not working for me. I hate not knowing things. Especially when it is something as important as my first post-college job! So I called them. And I am happy I did. I feel much much better now. And my heart can relax a little bit.

Basically, they are still looking for an assistant teacher. They liked me and all, but they wish that I had more experience (they’ve known this all along so that kind of pissed me off). They haven’t completely dropped me out of consideration because it seems like they are having trouble finding people, but they would like to find someone who is more experienced. Basically, if they can’t find someone better, they will settle for me. While I would normally not settle for being settled for, I don’t have any other interviews lined up despite sending my resume to 29488392 schools (or so it seems).

The one thing that this school did say is that they would like to see me in a teacher’s aide position for this first year to gain experience and then move up to assistant the next year. Which I would totally do (who am I to turn down jobs at this point?) except that it is part-time, pays practically nothing, and has NO BENEFITS. I don’t care about most benefits as a 22 year old living at home, but health insurance? Kind of important. Especially given my recent health discovery that will force me to make a LOT of doctor visits over the next year. So yeah, kind of a problem.

So basically they will take me as an assistant if they can’t get anyone better or they will give me a job with no benefits. Or I can keep sending my resume into the black hole of the internet where I never get any responses (although honestly, I can’t think of any other schools to apply to). So what should I do?

In other news, the Ex is coming to the city today. We will hang out at some point. Probably a bad idea, especially because last night he told me that he still loves me and misses my smile. So I will likely regret this later, but right now, I don’t care. I know that I am not taking him back and I know that nothing will happen. So whatever.

Whoa. Where did that come from?

You know how I was feeling all good and happy with my life? That was fun. Now I want to curl up and cry for a while.

I had my final interview today for the job I wanted. I was told that I would be meeting the head teacher that I would potentially be working under to see how we got along and so that we could “finish up the process.” So I assumed that it would be fairly informal and intended to make sure that we were compatible. So imagine my surprise when I find myself being grilled for an hour.

The thing is, I’m not great under pressure. I’m just not. I like to plan things out and I am definitely not spontaneous. I don’t like surprises. Basically, I was not prepared for an interrogation so I don’t think I performed all that well. She asked me situational questions that I don’t have the education or experience to answer effectively (she is aware of this) as well as psychological questions that just made me nervous. I wasn’t sure what she was looking for so I didn’t know how to answer her questions. So I told the truth. I figured that I might as well be honest in my answers, even if it costs me the job.

She was very nice, she just made me nervous. And this whole time, I have felt so comfortable in that school and I never had any reason to feel nervous. Which is why I was so caught off-guard…it was not at all what I was expecting. The one good thing that she said was that she likes to “grow teachers” and mentor them, meaning that she is not completely put off by my lack of experience. But I couldn’t read her at all and I have no idea what she thought of me.

When I left, the head teacher and the director were going to discuss what they thought of me and “make some big decisions.” Great. That’s not intimidating at all. I don’t even know how many people I am competing against. But apparently I will have an answer next week. Every time I have left an interview there, I have felt great, like this was something that was actually going to happen for me. I felt confident and encouraged. But today? I feel nervous, under-qualified, and uncertain. And that sucks. A lot.

And to top it all off? The ex sent me a text message that made me really upset. Apparently, as much as I had trust issues with him, he doesn’t trust me either (even though I have NEVER given him any reason not to). And he wants to talk about it later. Great. The universe is really playing some games with my mind these days.