Happiness?

For the first time in a long time, I feel genuinely happy. There are parts of my life that I would still like to change and improve, but I’m okay with that. It is possible to be happy and imperfect. Most people are.

Signing up for jdate was one of the best things I have done for myself in a while. Yes, I feel slightly lame, but really, internet dating is NOT as weird as it seems. I’ve been talking to some (seemingly) awesome, cute, intelligent guys and may even have some potential dates with them.These are guys whose words make me smile, even grin, without me even noticing until my mom gives me a “What’s so funny?” look. Yes, I have talked to some sketchballs and guys much too old for me, but you just tell them that you aren’t interested and move right along. No big deal.

Mainly though, I have learned that there really are other fish in the sea. Of course I always knew that, but I wasn’t sure if any of those other fish would be interested in ME. Now I know that they are and that feels nice. But most importantly, it shows me that I can do so much better than the Ex. And I will.

I already blocked him on AIM (he has me blocked too, but now when he decides to unblock me, he will know that I still don’t want to talk to him). This girl wrote on his facebook wall very flirtatiously last night, and it unnerved me a little, made me slightly jealous, but it didn’t ruin my day like it would have a month ago. It didn’t give me that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach or make my heart start pounding so hard I can almost hear it.

I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to take all of tihs off-line, but I think I have made a pretty good start. And right now that makes me happy. Even if I do have strep throat (crazy germy kids) and have to miss school tomorrow.

I’m Free!

I talked to the Ex last night. It was long, drawn out, and very ugly. But we are officially no longer speaking. And if I have anything to say about it, things will stay that way for a long time. I really wish things hadn’t ended on such a sour note (he said some really hurtful things and blamed me for it) but now that it is all over, I feel relieved. Like a weight has been lifted off my chest and all of a sudden I can breathe again. I do miss him on some level, but not at all like before. I think this is what it means to really move on.

On a completely different note, I sorted out my application fiasco today and it turns out that someone on the school’s end made an error (surprise surprise). The lady I spoke to fixed it for me and informed me that a decision would be made Wednesday and I would be notified before the end of the month! I’m SO happy it’s not too late. Now I just have to cross my fingers for a week or two!

Long Day

Today was almost completely unbearable. I really thought I might not make it.

The admissions office was closed today (is December 12 important for some reason?) so now I have to wait until Monday to at least begin to find out what the deal is with my application. I’m sure it was just a mistake, but I’m worried that it is too LATE to fix that mistake and that would just be devastating.

Add to that the Ex stress. I haven’t mentioned it on here, but we have been talking again (I know, I know). A friend of mine contacted me last night and filled me in on some of the new lies he has told me as well as girls he has been with recently (including one who may have been in the picture even when we were together…the one girl who I just KNEW was going to be a problem). It gave me the heart pounding, stomach sinking, nauseating feeling I have gotten twice before from hearing about his infidelities. Granted we are not together now, so he doesn’t really owe me anything and it is my fault for continuing to talk to him, but when I find out that he has all this going on the side while he tells me that I am his soul mate, he will do anything to get me back, he will never be interested in anyone again because he doesn’t want to find someone new and I was the perfect girlfriend…it hurts. A lot. Not to mention he lied to me again. You would think I would have learned by now. But he really is THAT good. I just can’t tell when he is lying. Jerk.

Thinking about all of this disgusts me. It makes me want to have nothing further to do with him because it will only be a matter of time before he makes me feel like this again. And this kind of hurt is debilitating. I had no energy for anything today, I just felt sad and empty (and my job can usually get me out of any bad mood, distract me from any stress). I couldn’t focus and I just felt miserable. Every smile took effort. It has been months since I felt this way and I have had enough.

The next time I talk to him, I am going to tell him that I don’t want to talk to him anymore and that he shouldn’t contact me. If I don’t do this, you all have permission to yell at me.

I deserve to be treated better than this.

The Final Step?

For the past few days I have been trying to (once again) tell the Ex that we needed to stop talking. That we were only putting salt in our wounds and preventing each other from moving on. That it was unhealthy to talk everyday. That it really really needed to stop. Except today he beat me to the punch, telling me that he doesn’t think he should talk to me anymore because it’s killing him.

And really, it’s a good thing and I’m glad he finally took that step because I don’t know how long it would have taken me to build up the courage again. I know in my head that this is what is best for us (not to mention that everything I have ever read about breakups says that No Contact is completely and totally essential to moving on). I just need to wait for my heart to catch up with my head, and I know it will in time. But for now, not talking is hard. Really hard. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. In spite of everything, I miss him and it kills me to know that we may never talk again.

I’ve realized that by talking, our breakup was never really complete. Sure, we were apart from each other and seeing other people (he was at least…I think), but we were still involved with each other emotionally, comforting and supporting each other. And that’s just not healthy at this point. So this step, of breaking contact, is really the last step that we have to take in order to move on.

And now we have taken it.

I just have to figure out how to deal with it.

When the Guy Finds Someone New

My computer is back! And working! (Therefore I can upload my Alaska pictures soon!)

These past few days have been really stressful. Mostly brought on by my own psycho ex girlfriend craziness. I decided to look at the facebook of the nice girl who I hate because she flirted with my (ex)boyfriend right in front of me, convinced me that I was crazy for thinking she liked him, and then actively pursued him the second we broke up. I need to come up with a good pseudonym for her…any suggestions? Anyway, I have been avoiding looking at her profile because I knew that I would find things that I didn’t want to see and my will power has been pretty good these past few weeks (although being thousands of miles away and having limited internet access in Alaska certainly helped). Of course, I saw something that made me want to throw up. And I am fairly sure that they are hooking up. Which sucks.

So, being a girl, I have spent the past few days imagining the extent of this “relationship.” I know that I shouldn’t care. It doesn’t change anything. And it’s not like I want to get back together with him, so it shouldn’t matter who he does or doesn’t see. But I think what bothers me is partially that it is HER and I feel betrayed by whatever it is that they have because I saw it beginning before my eyes while we were still together when he was supposed to be earning back my trust.

It also bothers me because it means that we are officially over. Which i have known for over three months. But up until a few weeks ago we have been talking regularly, so it didn’t really feel like we were completely broken up. Now, not only is it excruciating to resist the temptation to pick up the phone and text him (especially since yesterday was his birthday), but I have to deal with the thought of him with this new girl haunting me.

They say breakups are hard for a reason.

Major Progress

Tonight I officially cut the Ex out of my life. Even if it was unplanned and I feel bad. I did it.

Today I spent a lot of time thinking about how hurt I was for so much of our relationship without realizing it and how much I put up with even after I came to my senses. I had been thinking of cutting him out for a long time because there were several times when I would feel as if I was making a lot of progress in dealing with the end of this relationship, just to have him contact me and try to get back together and tell me how much he loves me. Basically, talking to him was a major roadblock to my progress.

It became very clear to me that I would be better off without talking to him. Soon, I also became aware of how much our contact was detrimental to him as well. Our conversations, even though I was very clear that I did not want to get back together, gave him some hope that we would get back together, when in my mind, that was never going to happen.

So tonight, when we were talking online as usual, and he made a suggestive comment, I immediately rebuffed him. Eventually, he asked me to take a stand on whether or not we should talk, and I told him that it was for the best for both of us if we didn’t.

And then he signed off.

I am worried about him because he has no support system and I think he is pretty depressed. And I feel awful about that. That is part of the reason why I put this off for so long. But I also need to think about what is best for me and I know that I will be unable to fully move on from all of this if we remain in contact.

Scary thought: what if we never talk again?

This Again?

I just had the most awful conversation (via AIM…ick) with the Ex (shocking). I know I need to cut him out of my life, at least for a while. Whenever I start thinking that I am getting to a point where I actually am fine, he finds a way to make me feel bad/upset/angry and I’m right back where I started. But I can’t cut him out yet. It’s pathetic and weak, but I just can’t.

Tonight he confirmed suspicions that I had had for some months now. And it made me want to throw up (this new alcohol-preventing medication is NOT helping). This whole situation is SO infuriating and disgusting. Maybe I will discuss it at some point, but right now, I don’t have the words.

Then, of course, he reminded me that I dumped him. Um, what? I thought we had a mutual break-up? Apparently not. I dumped him and didn’t even realize it. Because all the pain and bitterness he is feeling clearly has to be my fault. I took away all of his future aspirations, took away his desire for a settled-down life, etc. None of that has anything to do with anything he did. At all.

Except the last time I checked, it takes two people to have a relationship. And once again, I am reminded of the fact that he cannot take responsibility for his actions (or he just not self-aware and doesn’t even realize what happened to us), and he will continue to blame me for everything. Forever.

Granted, I was not perfect in this relationship. But at least I am aware of what I have done wrong and I have apologized for what I felt bad about.

I can’t even finish everything I was going to say. I’m too nauseous/sad/distraught/angry/exhausted to go on.

Yeah, That Was Hard

So I saw him. I don’t regret it, it was nice to see him, but it was difficult. I started out okay, but it was awkward not touching him. Walking down the streets of the city on a gorgeous summer day, it felt strange to not be able to hold his hand. When we did accidentally touch, we apologized and look away. Something that used to feel so natural and comforting was no longer appropriate. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and he would hold my hand, just for an instant, and then apologize. Or kiss my cheek. Or put his arm around me. But all with apologies.

It didn’t get really difficult until I was sitting by myself, waiting for him to finish a meeting. I realized how comforting it was to be with him, even under these uncomfortable circumstances. His presence is soothing. I haven’t seen him in almost a month, the longest that we have ever gone without seeing each other. I can still talk to him so easily, about anything, and he understands. He gets me. And I could see from the way that he looks at me just how much he still loves me. You know, that look.

And that is why I (mostly) didn’t return his touches and I didn’t kiss him when he dropped me off at my building, even though we both wanted to. It would be too painful for both of us, but especially him. And I don’t want to hurt him. I told him that he should come back sometime, but he said that it was so hard to be here without being together with me, which, of course, is true.

But now I don’t know when/if I will see him again. And that sucks. And for the first time since I came home from graduation, I can’t stop crying. I knew this was going to happen. But I love him and I couldn’t not see him while he was here. And I don’t regret it. It was good seeing him and I needed to feel what I’m feeling. Even if it is so hard.

Because as much as I love him and care about him, I know that we can’t make it work. And we shouldn’t have to. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as ours was, even though we had (have) a great connection and a really deep love for each other. The sad thing is, I don’t even think we can be just friends. We never were just friends and I think there will always be these feelings there on some level.

Letting him go knowing that we both feel this way is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

Waiting by the Phone

Not what you think. I haven’t been meeting all these guys that I am waiting for to call me. No dates lined up or crushes that I am hoping will ask me out.

No my friends. I am job hunting.

So the job that I wanted was supposed to call me on Monday. Of course, they did not. Tuesday rolls around, still no call. It should be noted that I spent these whole two days waiting anxiously by the phone. Every time the phone would ring I would jump up, my heart would stop beating for a full second, my hands would rush over to my pink cell phone, check the caller ID and then my heart would sink again. Just my mom. Or my friend who I had left a voicemail for. All perfectly good phone calls, but not the ones I wanted. This process repeated several times a day.

By Wednesday, I was sick of this whole thing. I wanted to know what was going on. Even if it was bad news, I needed to know. The whole unknown thing was not working for me. I hate not knowing things. Especially when it is something as important as my first post-college job! So I called them. And I am happy I did. I feel much much better now. And my heart can relax a little bit.

Basically, they are still looking for an assistant teacher. They liked me and all, but they wish that I had more experience (they’ve known this all along so that kind of pissed me off). They haven’t completely dropped me out of consideration because it seems like they are having trouble finding people, but they would like to find someone who is more experienced. Basically, if they can’t find someone better, they will settle for me. While I would normally not settle for being settled for, I don’t have any other interviews lined up despite sending my resume to 29488392 schools (or so it seems).

The one thing that this school did say is that they would like to see me in a teacher’s aide position for this first year to gain experience and then move up to assistant the next year. Which I would totally do (who am I to turn down jobs at this point?) except that it is part-time, pays practically nothing, and has NO BENEFITS. I don’t care about most benefits as a 22 year old living at home, but health insurance? Kind of important. Especially given my recent health discovery that will force me to make a LOT of doctor visits over the next year. So yeah, kind of a problem.

So basically they will take me as an assistant if they can’t get anyone better or they will give me a job with no benefits. Or I can keep sending my resume into the black hole of the internet where I never get any responses (although honestly, I can’t think of any other schools to apply to). So what should I do?

In other news, the Ex is coming to the city today. We will hang out at some point. Probably a bad idea, especially because last night he told me that he still loves me and misses my smile. So I will likely regret this later, but right now, I don’t care. I know that I am not taking him back and I know that nothing will happen. So whatever.

A Few Random Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and not a whole lot of brain energy to organize it all. So here is what is going on in my life, in bullet form:

• I got contacts! After a very long trip to the eye doctor on Friday I officially have contacts (and new fancy glasses). My vision isn’t actually THAT bad, but I have trouble seeing far away, particularly street signs which makes me get lost more often than I should considering I am a native New Yorker and all. I didn’t notice much of a difference in the office because nothing was that far away, but when I went outside, I could suddenly SEE everything clearly. It was like seeing everything for the first time. Granted, I could just wear my glasses outside, but I forget them a lot and they just generally annoy me (even though I am told that I look older and more mature with them). I’m having some trouble getting used to them, but so far, TOTALLY worth it.
• On Friday, my mom convinced me to call the people at the job I want. They had said that they were going to make a decision last week, and here it was Friday and I still hadn’t heard from them. Of course, I took this to mean that I didn’t get the job and so I moped and was just generally upset. My mother, however, managed to convince me that at least if I called them I would have some peace of mind because I would get some information either way. She gets on my nerves a lot, but sometimes that lady knows what she is talking about. I called them and they said that they had DEFINITELY NOT made a decision yet (!!!) and that they would call me on Monday. While it may still turn out that I won’t get the job, at least I know that I have not been completely cut so far and I do stand a chance. Fingers crossed that I get some good news tomorrow!
• Yesterday was my first day of camp orientation (did I mention that I am going to be a camp counselor this summer? Even though I did that all through high school? And haven’t done it in about 3 summers? Yeah, I’m cool). Anyway, I need the money and it seems like it will be fun. It’s at a different camp (a much fancier, more expensive camp=more tips for me?), which is weird because I have been at the same place for so long, and now I am in a completely different environment where they do things completely differently and I don’t know anyone. Um, except that my kindergarten teacher and her daughter work there…random much? I couldn’t believe that she recognized me. It will be an interesting summer to say the least.
• Today is Fathers’ Day and after a lovely breakfast at the sketchy diner that we go to, my dad and sister and I decided to go for a bike ride on the bike paths in Riverside Park. It all started out nice until it decided to POUR and we got completely soaked and water got stuck in my eye, messing up the new contact situation, and we ended up dirty and wet. But we actually had a lot of fun. Of course by the time we got home, the sky was blue and it was sunny, so people were giving us funny looks.
• I haven’t had any contact with the Ex in days. I want to so badly, but he gets upset when I talk to him at this point and I know it just makes it harder for him. It’s actually easier for me to not talk to him either, but let’s face it, I miss him. And the thought of him coming to the city and not calling me like he said he would is killing me. He could be here now for all I know, and I would have no idea. But I am proud of myself for not giving in and staying (fairly) strong. Even if on the inside I am still kind of a mess.