2009?

I know, it’s a new year and I should be feeling optimistic about the future. I’ve come a long way over the past year (emotionally, academically, professionally) and I am supposed to be looking forward to everything that the next year has to give me.

But really? I am less than excited. I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but my 2009 is off to a pretty shitty start (and it’s only been a day!). Last night was fun and all, but my inability to consume alcohol made me ready to end the night a lot sooner than everyone else. The only person who called to wish me a happy new year was my mother (she also made sure to remind me only to take a yellow cab home…duh) and while I love her dearly, I wish I hadn’t screwed things up so much with my college friends. And really, I wish I had a guy in my life who cared about me. I know it’s lame and I don’t need a man to make me happy, but it’s like that episode of Sex and the City when it’s Carrie’s 35th birthday and she realizes that she really does want a guy in her life even though she’s strong and independent.

This whole online dating experience made me realize that I am not so good with the casual dating. I am much more of a relationship person and I really do want to have another relationship. This is not about the Ex…we haven’t spoken in almost three weeks and I have no desire to change that. I know I want something new, something better.

The worst part is that I thought I had all these options and now I am back where I started. It turned out I didn’t like Red at all and I told him I just wanted to be friends. TLS was great and I liked him a lot (too much even). We had a date planned for tomorrow night, but tonight I came home to an email from him.

It said:

Hey Sarah, hope that you had a fun new years.

I felt like I needed to let you know of something that has happenned in the last two days. I’ve been dating another girl for a few weeks, and things have been progressing. Today, we discussed the idea of becoming exclusive, and it seems that that is likely in the near future. I just felt it would be really unfair to both you and I if we continued dating right now, given that likelihood.

I really enjoyed our date; you are both pretty and a joy to be around- this was purely a timing issue, and all that I can do is apologize for that, and be honest with you.

XXXXX

I really do appreciate his honesty, and I told him so. And I do completely understand his situation and I’m not offended. Really. I’m more bummed than anything. He was the first guy I liked in 7 months aside from the Ex and I barely even got to know him. I enjoyed talking to him, we had great chemistry, and I was looking forward to our second date. I had an outfit picked out and everything. I knew I liked him too much, too soon.

But the good news is, I did learn something from all this. There are other guys out there who I can like and get along with. Cliched, yes, but there are other fish in the sea and I am finally at a point in my life when I can go out and test the waters. And that is a big step.

So I suppose 2009 may be off to a lonely start, but I haven’t given up hope that I will find what I am looking for. In the meantime, I will continue to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary and wish I had a giant bottle of delicious red wine to consume in one sitting.

Letters

Dear School,

Please stop having fire drills. Every. Single. Day. It is cold outside and we have all gotten the hang of the going outside quickly and quietly thing. I know that these kids need to learn how to escape a burning building safely, but enough is enough. My kids are five and take forever to put on their coats. And mittens. And hats. Especially while walking quickly (not running!).

Regards,

Ms. Sarah

Dear Ex,

Please stay out of my dreams. I know we have officially had no contact for over a MONTH and it’s hard to deal with (for me too obviously), but I am not planning on visiting you anytime soon so dreaming about visiting you and seeing you just makes me wake up sad. I need to at least have some coffee in me before I can face feeling like that. So stay away, okay?

Love,

Sarah

Dear mice that are inhabiting my school,

No one wants you around. I know it is cold outside and you want somewhere warm to live like the rest of us. But I do not appreciate hearing you moving around while I am trying to eat my lunch. Also, stomping my feet wherever I go to potentially scare you away is getting very old. So find somewhere else. You can’t hide from the sticky traps forever!

Sincerely,

Sarah

To Yoga or Not To Yoga?

My attempts to go to the gym regularly have failed miserably. I am the queen of coming up with excuses and I have gotten insanely lazy. I’m not trying to lose weight, I just really want to get in shape and be healthy. I am able to convince myself to go every now and then, but there is usually a week or two in between workouts (pathetic I know, especially since there is a gym IN MY BUILDING!).

That being said, I really enjoy yoga and I’m thinking of taking classes. I think having a set time when I am supposed to go would help encourage me to actually stick with it. Plus, I find it fun and much more enjoyable than running on a treadmill.

However, yoga is expensive. I’ve looked around at a few places on the internet and classes are typically about $18 each session (you can typically go to whichever class you want as often as you want), so even if I went just once a week, that would be $72 per month! For someone who is making next to nothing and is trying to save for graduate school and a security deposit on an apartment, that is quite a chunk of change. Of course, if I really decided that it was that important to me, I could scrimp on other areas like eating out.

So what do you think? Should I try and get myself in shape, but at a cost? Or should I save money and stick with my old ways? And most importantly, how do YOU motivate yourself to work out?

Um, Really?

One of my coworkers yesterday asked me who I was voting for. We don’t even know each other that well so I found it strange that she would ask me a personal question like that. I really didn’t feel like getting into a political discussion at work, but I told her that I was going to vote for Obama. Her response? “I’m not sure who I am voting for yet, but it definitely won’t be Obama. He’s a socialist.” Um, really? First of all, you better figure out who you are voting for because the election is TODAY (tomorrow at the time). Secondly, a socialist? I was shocked. Do people seriously believe that?

I don’t want to go on a whole political tirade now, but needless to say, I was appalled.

Also, one of my kindergarteners said to me yesterday, “I’m voting for A Rock Obama.” I love my job. I also love that we get Election Day off.

Please vote today! And make sure to get your free Ben & Jerry’s/Starbucks!

One Week!

So I have gone one week with no contact with the Ex (and counting)!

The week wasn’t so bad, because I really don’t have anything left to say to him, but this weekend was rough for sentimental reasons. It was the weekend of a special event that we used to go to together. I don’t think he took anyone else, but it just made me think about how things used to be.

I was reading through some old journal entries from throughout our relationship, and I’ve realized that while I blame him for a lot of what went on, I also allowed it to happen. But I was too inexperienced and immature to recognize the red flags that I now see screaming in those pages. Which, I suppose, means that, at the very least, I have learned a lot from this relationship. And hindsight is certainly helpful.

Pet Peeve

So I just got back from a nice Sunday brunch with one of my best girlfriends from college. She lives in my neighborhood, but with our busy schedules, we haven’t seen each other in quite a while, so I suggested that we get together today. She said that it sounded great and that she would meet me at the restaurant. Her exact words were “I’ll meet you there at 11.”

The problem? She brought her boyfriend.

Now I don’t have a problem with her boyfriend, and I don’t technically have a problem with the fact that she brought him (although it was slightly annoying). I have issue with the fact that I didn’t know he was coming. This is something that I have found that people in relationships do all the time. If I’m having a party or a get together and I invite you, then you can probably assume that I am also inviting your significant other or a date of some kind. But if I invite you to brunch or dinner or coffee? I’m kind of expecting that it will be just the two of us. I don’t like surprises. If you are planning on bringing him, TELL me! Say “WE will meet you at 11″ or “WE can’t wait to see you.” WE something so I know what to expect. Otherwise the guy just shows up and I get all disappointed.

To my friend, this was clearly no big deal, but I was looking forward to some good girl talk over coffee and french toast. And everyone knows that you can’t have REAL girl talk if a guy is sitting there awkwardly.

Moral of the story: If I am inviting you to my Halloween party, by all means bring a date. If I invite you and only you to brunch, bring yourself. And if you absolutely MUST bring someone, just let me know before the poor guy shows up and I go from “Yay, you’re here!” to a blank stare with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.

Halloween!

I should preface this by saying that I’m not that into Halloween. BUT I do work in a kindergarten classroom, so dressing up is kind of part of the job, so I went as a pirate…not too original but the kids loved it. They all looked so cute I wanted to die and they were just so excited. We went around all the classrooms in the building to show off our cuteness and then we had our “parade” around the block. Too. Cute. For. Words.

Then last nights, a couple of girlfriends and I decided to brave the crowds and venture down to the Village to go down to the real parade. We got there late, so of course we couldn’t actually see anything, but it was an interesting experience, especially since we are all native New Yorkers and we had NEVER been. We ended up getting sick of the drunk throngs of people and spent the night at a bar that had some awesome live music. I got hit on by a guy in a pirate costume who said “Can I buy a fellow pirate a drink?” I declined because he was old and not cute, but in retrospect I should have said yes so I can start feeling more comfortable talking to strangers in bars. Because seriously, that is the only place I meet men.

Sad, but true.

Best costume of the night, by far, was a ten-year old girl who came trick or treating at my door. She was Bristol Palin, baby bump and all. And a shirt that said “Drill Baby, Drill” and a sign that said “GO MOM!” Love it!!!

Cynical? Or realistic?

It has come to my attention that I may be too bitter and cynical. It should be noted that before this point in my life, I was overly trusting of others and always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt.

A few days ago I was discussing this whole John Edwards scandal with my mother. I was ranting about how I couldn’t believe that even after all of these allegations have surfaced, he is still telling lies in interviews. My mom replied that she believed what he said to be true (that he was not the father of the baby and that the woman was paid without his knowledge or funds…yeah right).

Then she made a comment that really made me think.

“I see the good in people and you see the bad in people. Why do you have to be so negative?”

For starters, I used to pride myself on seeing the good in people as well. Until I was severely betrayed by my boyfriend and best friend all in a very short time span. Not that I think that ALL people are horrible asshole liars. BUT, men who cheat on their significant others? The people who they supposedly love and are deeply committed to? Definitely horrible asshole liars.

Today I was reading about Jamie Lynn Spears (maybe I should stop reading all this celebrity gossip) and how her baby-daddy cheated on her for a long time, including when she was pregnant. Asshole. Scum. Heshouldbecastratedimmediately.

I have developed an automatic angry response when I hear about these things now that kind of puts me off because it is such a transformation in the way that I think, though I like to think that it shows that I have learned from my mistakes and will never allow myself to be duped again.

Am I being too quick too judge? Maybe. Too cynical? I don’t think so. If someone hurts you like that, they don’t deserve second (or third, or fourth) chances. Once trust is gone it is almost impossible to regain it completely, as much as you think that things will go back to how they were. Before the betrayal that broke your heart. It is hard to really love someone after they hurt you to your core and shake the very foundation of everything that you believe in.

I hope that I will not come to expect the worst from people. Most people are truly good and will always be there for you, will not lie to you, and are completely worthy of your trust. But when it comes to men, I’m afraid that I will always be at least a little distrustful. I feel like I have to be able to protect my heart from feeling that kind of agony again.

But am I sabotaging my ability to be happy? Or am I simply being realistic?

Unplanned Hiatus?

So I know that I just started this blog and all. And then I left it for a while. And now I’m back. Confusing much?

But I think when I started this, I just wanted a place to sort out my feelings. However, that does not make for a very good blog, because as confusing as my feelings were to me, I’m sure they were much more so to everyone else out there in bloggy-land (if anyone even reads this…I may just be talking to myself for all I know).

So I took a few weeks to figure things out and now I’m feeling much better. I am coming to terms with this whole newly-single thing and even had the willpower to turn down the Ex who told me how much he still loves me and wants to get back together (if that’s not a test of how far I’ve come, I don’t know what is). Of course, I am still ridiculously lonely, still very upset with the state of my friendships, and still job-hunting. But I am happy with the progress that I have made in recovering from my break-up and I feel some of my confidence returning.

Now, I want to take my mental energy away from relationships (or the lack of them) and be more productive by (finally) finding a job I am satisfied with, making some new friends, taking that yoga class I always wanted to join, and most of all…being happy again.

New Beginnings

Hello everyone out there in blog land!

I must admit, I have never blogged before, so this is a bit of unchartered territory for me. I enjoy writing, and because I am in a quintessential transitional point in my life, I think it is important to have a place where I can organize my thoughts.

A bit about me:

My name is Sarah, I am 22 years old, graduated from college EXACTLY one week ago (how weird is that to say?), and have since moved home (aka NYC) to figure out what to do with my life. In addition, my boyfriend of 2.5 years and I decided to go our separate ways after graduation, so I am currently dealing with that whole broken-up, newly-single, not-knowing-what-to-do-with-myself mess. The whole boyfriend situation caused a rift with a few of my closest friends, who are conveniently also living in the city, so I am trying to make amends with them, while dealing with the wonderfulness/I-may-kill-myself-at-any-moment situation of living with the parents, and running around to interviews. Phew. I just exhausted myself writing that, so if anyone out there has made it this far, you deserve a cookie. Or ten. Did I mention I bake? A lot?

I will try to post as often as a person going through an early quarter-life-crisis can. So stay tuned, folks. More exciting adventures are sure to ensue.